


until the river's all run dry

by spectacolour



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2020-01-16 01:58:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18511594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spectacolour/pseuds/spectacolour
Summary: If Doyoung is a star, adorning the sky in a warm, shining glow, then Jaehyun is willing to be the sky. Dark, but Doyoung’s presence made him brighter, happier.Because that’s certainly what it feels like.





	until the river's all run dry

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there!
> 
> So I posted until the river's all run dry a couple of months ago, but due to my lack of knowledge in how ao3 works, I messed up and ended up posting the unedited, messy version of this story. I didn't realize I posted this until I got emails from kudos and comments (a lot of them were lovely comments that I deeply appreciate, so thank you so much for those of you who left them) I wanted to post this sooner, as soon as I had taken them down, but unfortunately exams and everything got caught in the middle of that. 
> 
> So without further do, I hope you enjoy this story! Please give feedback and kudos if you do!

 

 “Doyoung, I don’t think you really understand how much it means to me if you come.”

“Do your family even know that you’re rooming with me?” Doyoung frowns as he dropped the stack of books on his bed. Jaehyun steal a glance at one of the book, one being a Sherlock Holmes novel. “You know Jaehyun,  I don’t understand why you insist I come. I mean, it’s not like it means that much to your family if I’m there to watch your cousin being wedded off.”

“It’s gonna be really boring there,” Jaehyun pouts, it’s so fucking childish, and Jaehyun is anything but a seven year old pouting his way up to get what he wants, but he can’t help it. “Doyoung, please, I _need_ you there.”

“You see, had you said it’s gonna be really fun and crazy, I would’ve consider the offer,” Doyoung shoots him an overly sweet smile that does something to Jaehyun’s stomach, maybe a _butterfly,_ but Jaehyun ignores it. “But you just had to choose the word boring, huh?”

Jaehyun groans and drop his body to Doyoung’s bed,  sulking. “Doyoung, my dear, _darling_ roommate, what do I have to do to convince you to accompany me to my cousin’s wedding?”

“You could clean more,” Doyoung says, and he starts to neatly placing his mountains of books on his desk that is already piling up with a lot of crime mystery novels.

“I will!” Jaehyun shoots up from the bed. “I will clean our room for two weeks straight. I’ll broom, mop, I’ll even make your bed every morning and get the sheets laundered. You can even tag some of your clothes along.”

Doyoung just shakes his head and turns to look at Jaehyun with an amused smile on his face (re: handsome face). “You still haven’t answered my question as to why you insist on making me come,” He sits on the spinning chair, crossing his leg. “You could’ve take Ten with you, he knows his way around the dance floor, he holds his liquor pretty well-”

“And he also has a pretty high chance of flirting with the groom,”  Jaehyun points out. Saying Ten is flirty is an understatement, Jaehyun is sure Ten was a gigolo in his previous life. Or maybe he’s the one who owned the brothel. Perhaps both. “The last thing my cousin needs is to have her husband have a sudden sexual awakening on his wedding day.”

“Johnny is pretty nice, he’s handsome, charming –” Doyoung really makes it his life mission to reject Jaehyun in any way possible.

“Doyoung, please!” Jaehyun briefly wonders if he should get down on his knees. “I’m begging, and you know I never beg, I’m usually the one who grants the begging, but it’s always an exception for you, so please, please do me this one favour and come with me. To Luna’s wedding.  It’s this weekend, and it’s at Four Seasons. She and her fiance are filthy rich, they basically rent out all of the rooms on one floor for our families to stay the night. Okay? Please, I’m begging?” Jaehyun is on his knees, his hands clasp together like he’s praying and he is, again, pouting. Jaehyun prays to a God he doesn’t believe in that he is somehow successful in getting Doyoung to come to the wedding.

“You see, this is why I don’t have any begging kinks or stuff like that,” Doyoung says, the frown on his face gets even deeper. _Cute_. “I get swayed really easily.”

***

“It’s kind of admirable just how manipulative you are, really,” Ten takes a sip at his coffee and frowns, all the while having his eyes focused on Jaehyun. Jaehyun doesn’t know if he’s frowning at the coffee or him. Probably both. Ten is a great multitasker. “You get on your knees and fake beg Doyoung to come to this wedding so you can pretend you’re dating him for at least one night, and maybe if you’re lucky you both can get drunk and have sex. What a masterplan.”

“Ten, this fork may be plastic, but it can still get through your ugly ass pants and get stuck in your flesh,” Jaehyun grumbles. “I wasn’t ‘fake begging’ Doyoung, I really do want him to come. So maybe I want to see what it’s like to ‘date’ –” Jaehyun air quotes the word _date_ – “but what’s the harm in that?”

“The harm in that, is that it’s super cliche and I’m gonna throw up the bagel I just had,” Ten says.  “God, Jaehyun, I always knew you’re romantic but I didn’t know you watch so many romantic movies to plan this stupid shit.” Ten shakes his head, as if he wasn’t the one pretending to fail his assignment so he could get help from Kun, one of the scholarship student and all around genius.

“It’s not a stupid shit,” Jaehyun has no good come back for that. “You take that back.”

“All jokes aside, though,” Ten, for the first time in a very long time, actually looks serious. “It’s just  asking for trouble. You’re basically inviting the feeling of awkwardness and regrets to your front door. People get drunk at weddings, and drunk people do stupid shit, Jaehyun, what if you and Doyoung did stupid shit and regret it and become awkward?”

“We’re not gonna do anything stupid,” Jaehyun waves his hand in dismiss. “So stop with those preconceived notion. You’re not a witch, Ten.”

Ten hums, taking a huge chunk of Jaehyun’s croissant and putting it on his mouth in exaggerated movement. “Sort of wish I was, though,” Ten says. “You insult me so many time I wish I could curse your lips to be sewn shut.”

“Isn’t it the other way around?”

“Hey, I only insult you because sometimes you deserve it, and sometimes I just want to get back at you.” If by ‘sometimes’ Ten means ‘everytime’. Jaehyun may have done so many stupid shit in his life, but he definitely do not deserve to be judged and insulted, especially by Ten of all people, who has done equally many stupid shit in his life. He’s young, he’s supposed to do stupid things that he’s gonna regret so that he could re-tell the story to his kids later on.

The kids that he, hopefully, will have with Doyoung.

***

The thing about wedding, is that Jaehyun _loathes_ being there. He hates party and crowded place in general, which is pretty fucking hypocrite of him because he spent his weekend cooped up at Ten’s dorm partying his life away.

Maybe it isn’t about the party, it’s about the fact that he just doesn’t like it. He doesn’t need any legitimate reason as to why he hates something, right? If something just doesn’t take your fancy, then why do you have to force yourself into finding any actual, logical reason? It’s such a waste of time.

Doyoung hadn’t expressed any displeasure about weddings, saying that he’s never been to a lot of them. It seems that Doyoung doesn’t have that many relatives in general in the city, only his immediate family.

Rehearsal dinner is the _worst_. It’s the place where Jaehyun sees a lot of his families, most of them are the people he loathes, would rather hit his face with a brick rather than being in the same room as them. It’s the place where his nosey relatives would asks Jaehyun if he’s still gay, to which Jaehyun says “Unfortunately, I’m as gay as ever” which results in him being pinched on the waist really hard by his mother.

So maybe Doyoung’s presence brought a little bit of light in this dull place. Doyoung is charming, his smile polite and his smooth voice succeed in stealing everyone’s heart, even those homophobic relatives that frowns whenever they asked if Jaehyun is still gay. Jaehyun didn’t introduce Doyoung as his boyfriend, no, that wasn’t the agreement, they’d just agree that Doyoung will come and stay the night as Jaehyun’s plus one.

His mother, though, _loves_ Doyoung. They talk about a lot of things, mostly about poetry. Doyoung, a literature major, of course get along with the conversation really nicely. They talk about who is his favorite poet, to which Doyoung replies T.S Eliot, and his mother’s eyes glint pleasantly, and they talk some more.

Doyoung’s presence may have brought a distraction to his annoying relatives, but it certainly doesn’t change the fact that this dinner is as boring as ever. See, when Jaehyun had brought Doyoung along, he’d hoped that maybe he could spent the night chatting away with him, a pleasant distraction to this unbearably tedious event.

“So, Jaehyun,” Luna says, a beautiful smile adorninng her beautiful face. “I see you brought someone.”

“Ah, yes,” Jaehyun clears his throat. “Everyone, this is Doyoung. He’s a friend of mine.” The introduction was unnecessary, everyone at the table knows who he is, Doyoung had been so gracious introducing himself before they entered the room, yet Doyoung stands up and bow to everyone, a lovely, gummy smile never leaves his face.

“Just a friend?” A mischievous looks across Luna’s face causes Jaehyun to narrows his eyes at her.

“Yes, a friend,” Jaehyun says. “Let’s not make this night about me, Luna, tomorrow’s your day, after all. Maybe we could put the spotlight on me next time when it’s _my_ wedding rehearsal dinner.” Jaehyun won’t likely invite his relatives to his wedding in the future. No, he probably wouldn’t even invite Ten.

Doyoung’s soft hand lays on top of Jaehyun’s underneath the table, squeezing softly. Jaehyun feels like his heart is about to drop, and when Doyoung looks at him with such a soft eyes, Jaehyun feels like he might need someone to punch him in the face.

The dinner goes by really well, a friend of Luna’s fiance is the best man, and he delivered his speech perfectly he might as well receive a standing ovation from how loud the claps they gave him, close to deafening Jaehyun’s ears, like those terrible hip-hop music Ten puts on his parties.

Oh, and Doyoung did end up talking with him after all. He talks to Jaehyun most of  the time, smiling at him and leans closer whenever Jaehyun whispers something, and he even goes as far as putting some dishes on Jaehyun’s plate. It all feels incredibly domestic Jaehyun wonders if he could ask Luna if she’s willing to give this wedding to Jaehyun instead.

And Jaehyun hates to admit this, but Ten was incredibly right about how weddings can bring out the awkwardness in a relationship, or in this case, the lack thereof. No, the thing is, Jaehyun did try asking the hotel if they could get their room switched to the one that has two single beds, but somehow, conveniently, all of the rooms that has single beds aren’t the ones that Luna and her fiance had rented out, so if they really insist on getting the room that has two single beds, they need to rent it out with their own money. Both Jaehyun and Doyoung are broke college students, and Jaehyun wasn’t gonna ask his parents or Luna to pay for them.

“I’ll sleep on the couch, it’s fine,” Doyoung says. “I’ll just call the room service for an extra blanket.”

“No, don’t be ridiculous, Doyoung,” Jaehyun says. He doesn’t want Doyoung to sleep on the couch, but that doesn’t mean he wants to act like a hero and take his place either. How does one even say “let’s sleep on the same bed” without sounding suggestive?

“Let’s just sleep on the same bed,” Jaehyun says. To hell with sugarcoating, he thinks. Just say it like it is. “I promise I won’t touch you or anything. And I won’t hog the blanket either. If I snore too loud you could stuff my mouth with a damp towel.”

Doyoung looks like he wants to argue, but didn’t. He sits on the edge of the bed, as if hesitating. “You don’t snore,” he says.  “And I know you’re not gonna touch me or anything, it’s just weird, sharing a bed.”

“It certainly is better than hurting your back by sleeping on the couch,” Jaehyun turns off the nightstand lamp. “Night, Doyoung.”

Doyoung’s smile is the last thing Jaehyun sees before he closes his eyes. “Good night, Jaehyun.”

***

Jaehyun wakes up in the hope that he’s slept through the day like a corpse and missed the whole wedding.

No, but instead he wake up, two hours (two hours!!) earlier. Strange. He usually wakes up late, and by late he doesn’t mean ten minutes late. An hour late. Two, maybe. Perhaps this should have happened when Jaehyun was trying to catch a flight to Los Angeles so he wouldn’t have had to buy another ticket and waited four more hours.

He didn’t wake up with his arms wrapped around Doyoung, sadly. Life isn’t quite a romcom Jaehyun had hoped it would be. No, but he wakes up, face-to-face with a sleeping Doyoung, who looks so solemn.

He’s seen Doyoung like this, they share a room after all, but no, not quite like this. Not so close. Jaehyun’s usually only see this from afar, from the comfort of his own bed. But now, there’s no barrier between them, and Jaehyun’s hand itches to feel Doyoung’s cheek, wonder how it feels like to run his hand gently over the smooth skin. He wants to roam his hand over his raven black hair, wants to lull him back to sleep if he ever wakes up, and most of all, he wants to hold Doyoung against him, to wrap his arm around Doyoung’s waist, to have Doyoung’s back pressed against his chest, head tucked neatly under his chin.

Doyoung shifts, and Jaehyun turns away, facing the ceiling.

“Good morning,” Doyoung says, voice thick from sleep. His eyes are half-opened, but his smile is soft. “What time is it?”

“Eight am,” Jaehyun replies, glancing at the clock on the wall. “There’s still plenty of time to get ready, in case you’re worried about being late.”

Doyoung chuckles. “Not much to be worried about, my brain is still processing,” he stretches, sleep shirt riding up, revealing his toned stomach and Jaehyun looks away.

“You should take a shower first,” Jaehyun says. “I’m still keen on lying down.”

Doyoung frowns at him, suspicious. “You’re not planning to go back to sleep and miss the whole wedding, didn’t you?”

“Oh, Doyoung, you know me really well, after all.”

***

Jaehyun hates _ties._

It doesn’t matter how many times his mother had taught him to do this, he can never seem to wrap his head around the concept, and as a result of rarely having any occasion in which he’s needed to wear a tie, Jaehyun hadn’t improved.

“God, Jaehyun, you’re not a kid,” Doyoung chastises, swatting Jaehyun’s hand away from the tie. He’s barely an inch away from Jaehyun’s face, breath hot as Doyoung works his tie in. “What kind of grown man doesn’t know how to knot their tie?”

“A grown man who barely uses them,” Jaehyun says, holding his breath in.

Doyoung step away, tilting his head and smiling at him. “You look handsome,” Doyoung says. “You always do.”

“You’re one to talk,” Jaehyun tries to keep his tone light. “You’re not bad yourself.” That would be an understatement. Doyoung could pass off as a groom if he wants to.

They walk together to the hall, but Jaehyun excuses himself, making a quick turn to visit the bride’s room.

“Jaehyun, you can’t be here, the wedding’s about to start,” Luna chides, but her tone isn’t unkind. She looks absolutely stunning; the wedding dress is nothing bedazzling or spectacularly detailed; rather it’s a simple ivory silk dress with elegant, though barely noticeable details. Jaehyun supposes she never needed any spectacular, meticulously detailed dresses to make her stand out; Luna has always been the type of person to walk around with a light shining above her, as if reserved for her and her only.

“You look amazing,” Jaehyun says anyway, smiling at her. “Junmyeon’s lucky to have you.”

“Oh, Jaehyun, keep flattering me and I’ll develop an ego,” Luna laughs, kissing him on the cheek. “What brings you here, Jaehyun?”

“Nothing in particular,” Jaehyun says. “I know the groom can’t see the bride before the wedding, so I just want to show off to him by saying ‘Hey, I’ve seen your wife first’. You know how competitive I’ve always been.”

Luna throws her head back. “That’s true. He didn’t even know I’ve picked this dress instead of the one he saw me wearing. Then again, Junmyeon has always been fond of suprises.”

Is it childish to be sad? Jaehyun may have develop a personal vendetta against weddings, yet he can’t bring himself to feel any particular negative feelings towards this one, save for the fact that he’s sad to see her go. Luna has always been like a sister to him. Jaehyun is an only child, and the fact that he was shy didn’t help anything either, but he and Luna grew up together, albeit she’s four years older than him. Luna’s presence in Jaehyun’s life makes him feel less lonelier. He and Luna has played various kinds of game; Luna used to play along with Jaehyun, acting as the sheriff while Jaehyun acted as the cowboy; and in return, Jaehyun would sit down alongside Luna’s dolls and pretend to sip the tea from the plastic teacup in Luna’s bedroom.

Luna was also the first person Jaehyun had come out to, when fourteen year old Jaehyun had been curious about how it feels like to kiss a boy, and Luna, four years more mature and experienced than Jaehyun, had understood what he meant. Luna generously shared her experience, and listened to Jaehyun as Jaehyun recounted, in a hushed tone, about his particular feelings towards a friend in class. Luna had encouraged Jaehyun that it’s okay to be who he is, to not be afraid to step out from the eggshell Jaehyun had been walking for years. Luna had kept the secret for four long years, kindly distracting Jaehyun with questions about his school when he was asked by a relative if he’s got a girlfriend on Thanksgiving dinner.

It was also from Luna that he met Taeyong, a hurricane in a form of red-haired, doe eyed boy who succeed in showing Jaehyun what love is before stomping them on the ground that left Jaehyun an emotional mess that Luna also knew about.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Luna’s tone is careful, like speaking to a wounded bird. “But I invited Taeyong. I mean, how can’t I? He’s my friend, after all.”

“Of course I don’t mind,” Jaehyun says, and he really mean it. And besides, it’s not like he has any say about who Luna invited. And him and Taeyong had broken up for a couple of years.  It was all in the past that Jaehyun had made a peace with. “It’s been years anyway.”

“Right,” Luna says. “Still, I’m sorry. I should’ve consulted with you.”

“Luna, it’s nothing to be worried about. Trust me. You should just worry about today, and how you should find a way to walk around in that dress. It looks so tight. Are you sure you can walk through them? Do you need me to carry you in the back?”

Luna hits Jaehyun’s shoulder gently. “Shut up. Go outside, Jaehyun. I think the wedding is really about to start now.”

***

“Out of all people, you’re someone I had never expected to cry in a wedding,” Doyoung teases. “Where were the Jaehyun who was always so vocal about his hatred towards weddings?”

“Shut up,” Jaehyun hisses. “And I wasn’t crying, my eyes was a little itchy.” Not even Jaehyun believed in the lie.

He wouldn’t say that he _cried_. Teared up, maybe. It was impossible to contain his tears, Luna just looked so _beautiful_. Even Junmyeon couldn’t contain his emotion, occasionally wiping off his tears until his best man had to give him a handkerchief. When Luna walked down the aisle, she radiates such elegant and graceful aura she put the flowers on the path to shame.  It was as if everything turns black and white, and in that moment, Luna was the only one in colour, so bright and fresh.

“Oh, I have to take this,” Doyoung says, looking down at his phone. “It’s my mother. Excuse me.”

Doyoung’s glass of champagne is left untouched, and Jaehyun thinks he wouldn’t mind coming back to an empty one. Jaehyun downs the drink in once, as if it was a vodka.

“Hello, stranger.”

Jaehyun’s lucky to have swallowed his drink, otherwise he’d be spitting them right now.

It’s a familiar voice, one that cuts through Jaehyun’s train of thought. When he turns around to see the owner of the voice, it’s no doubt that it’s Taeyong, holding a glass of scotch. His smile is bright, as it always is.

“Taeyong,” Jaehyun says. “Hi.”

Taeyong is still as handsome as he was three years ago, if not more. Jaehyun remembers how he used to dye his hair the strangest colour possible, as if it was his life mission to try out every colour on his hair before he dies, (that, and his determination to damage his scalp in any way possible) . The last colour Jaehyun had seen him in was deep crimson red, and now it’s just a deep dark brown that suits him perfectly. It shows a more mature side of him.

Jaehyun’s heart aches, and it shouldn’t be, it’s been three years ago.

And Taeyong is still as affectionate as ever, evidence at how he pulled Jaehyun into a hug. “How are you?” Taeyong asks, breath hot against Jaehyun’s neck. “Gosh, it’s been like what, three years?”

“Yes it is,” Jaehyun says stiffly. “Three years.”

“I haven’t realized how time flies,” Taeyong says, sitting down beside Jaehyun. “How are things going on for you, Jaehyun?”

“It’s been great,” Jaehyun says. “How about you, Taeyong?” The name still sounds foreign on his tongue. “How’s Japan treating you?”

“It’s been working out really well for me too,” The smile never leaves Taeyong’s face. “The other day I was talking to Yuta and he said my Japanese improved greatly.”

Ah, Yuta.

“I see,” Jaehyun tries to keep his tone light. “I’m guessing night spent watching anime have finally paid off?”

Taeyong’s laugh is soft, and there was once a period of time where this was Jaehyun’s favorite sound in the world. “I suppose it is,” he says. “You know, I was actually going to call you the night I got back. But Luna said you’ve changed your phone number and I... well, I didn’t think to ask her for it.”

“I lost my phone to the rain,” Jaehyun explains, not wanting Taeyong to get the wrong idea. “About two years ago.” It wasn’t two years ago, it was a month after he and Taeyong broke up, and Jaehyun was drowning in a deep sorrow that he, unknowingly, tossed his phone out to the window instead of the framed photo of him and Taeyong. He realized it was his phone that he threw when Doyoung walks in, horrified at the fact that Jaehyun did such stupid thing. Both he and Doyoung can hear the sound of the hardware breaking against the ground, and they watch from the window as the rain soaked his crushed phone.

That’s when Doyoung said he’s had enough, that if Jaehyun is not going to snap out of it, he’s going to call a therapist and book him an appointment. Doyoung even goes as far as insisting he’ll accompany Jaehyun to his sessions. That didn’t happen, though.

Taeyong purses his lips, nodding along. “I see,” he says. “I saw you before we were entering, you know. I was going to call you out but it seems that you brought a date, and you were fully preoccupied by him.”

“He’s not... a date,” Jaehyun refrains himself from scratching his hair. “I mean, yeah he’s my plus one, but we’re not dating. He’s just a good friend of mine. We’re roommates.”

“Oh?” Jaehyun doesn’t remember that Taeyong’s eyes could be even bigger than it already is. “Right. It just seems that you two are... well, a little more than that.” There was no teasing in his tone, it’s just Taeyong that’s genuinely curious.

“Don’t look to much into it,” Jaehyun says, waving his hand dismissively. “We really are just friends.”

“Right.”

He wonders why Taeyong doesn’t just walk away. There’s no need for them to talk any further anyway. If it’s catching up that Taeyong wants, he’s had it. He knows that Jaehyun is doing okay, knows that Jaehyun brought a date, although he’s not really a date, and that Jaehyun is still single. He wonders what more do Taeyong needs to know, or if Taeyong is just waiting for Jaehyun to find the most diplomatic word to tell him to fuck off.

Taeyong takes a long sip of his scotch, and Jaehyun doesn’t even remember since when did Taeyong developed such sophisticated taste in drinks. Taeyong may be older than him, but he isn’t old enough to the point he has the same taste in drinks as Jaehyun’s father.

When Taeyong is finished, he turns to Jaehyun, and Jaehyun doesn’t get the chance to judge him furthermore. “Listen, uh,” he hesitates, like he knows he’s not supposed to say what he’s about to say next. “I’m not gonna be in town for long. It’s just Luna’s wedding and a few days at my parents’ house. But still, you’re my friend, despite everything, and I was wondering if we could get a cup of coffee? If you have the time, of course.”

Jaehyun has plenty of time. He’s just not sure if he wants to see Taeyong. “I would have loved to, but...” Jaehyun’s mind short-circuited, unable to find any legitimate reason to politely declined Taeyong’s offer. So he settled on telling the truth. “I’m just not sure if that’s a good idea, Taeyong.”

Taeyong’s eyes widen. “Why not?” His tone isn’t unkind, because that has never been Taeyong, to be unkind, even as he stood inside his dorm room, with Yuta shirtless behind him. “We’re friends.”

“Just that,” Jaehyun shrugs. “I mean, it’s not like we ended on good terms. I’m not trying to antagonize you or anything, but it’s just like digging the old scar, and I may have moved on from what happened, Taeyong, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to be buddy-buddy with you again.”

Taeyong’s face fall, but he’s quick to mask it again. “Of course, Jaehyun,” he says softly. “I understand.” Again, he hesitates. “But Jaehyun, I am sorry. For everything. I know that sorry won’t just cut it, I know it wouldn’t have turn back time, but still, I’m really, really sorry. It was never my intention to hurt you, and looking back, I realized what I did was horrible and unforgivable.”

But truthfully, Taeyong was anything but horrible. Taeyong was sweet, incredibly patient and understanding, even when Jaehyun can be so fucking difficult sometimes. “I don’t hold any grudge against you, Taeyong,” Jaehyun throws him a smile, even if it doesn’t reach the corner of his lips. “Like I said, I’ve moved on. I’ve accepted everything that happened. I just don’t know how to be friends with you again.”

It didn’t take what happened between Taeyong and Yuta for them to break up, Jaehyun knows this. To be frank, they weren’t that happy either. For the last couple of months, that is. Jaehyun could foresee that their relationship is on the brink of disaster, what with Taeyong soon graduating,and Jaehyun who is too childish to understand what had happened. As much as they don’t want to admit it, their relationship was, to put it symple, _dysfunctional_.

Being stuck in a dysnfuctional relationship was like living with a rotten limb. It’s terrifying to look at, and it hurts even more to feel. It hurts to move, yet the thought of having it amputated terrifies him even more because then he’d have to live with the fact that it isn’t there anymore, and he’d have to learn how to adjust, how to live without the limb even though it held no significant use since it was terribly wounded.

And cutting the limb off was the hardest decision to be made, but then Jaehyun wake up, missing a limb yet he realized that he’ll no longer need to feel the pain anymore. It’s hard to accept the fact that it’s gone, it’s even harder to accept the fact that he’ll have to learn how to live without it, but it’s okay, he thinks, at least it isn’t there anymore to hurt him even further.

But even so, he doesn’t regret being with Taeyong. He was his first love, and he’ll never forget about him, but first love never meant to work out. If there ever is, then maybe that’s just how life works for other people.

“If it helps, I was no angel either,” Jaehyun says, trying to keep his tone light. “I was a nightmare.”

Taeyong’s hand is cold when it meets Jaehyun’s, and he squeezes it lightly. “We should stop apologizing to each other,” The bright smile is back on his face.

This time, Jaehyun returned the smile, not quite bright as Taeyong’s but still nice to look at. “I agree.”

The tension seems to be lifted from them at that moment, and for the first time, it seems like being in the same room as Taeyong is not quite so suffocating anymore. For the first time Jaehyun feels like he could finally breathe again.

“You know, I do wonder,” Taeyong says, fiddling with his rings. “I haven’t even seen your roommate.”

“He’s taking a phone call,” Jaehyun replies, wondering just where did Doyoung went off. to. Jaehyun doesn’t even realize it’s been a long time since Doyoung excuses himself, and briefly wonders if Doyoung has something urgent coming up and needs to go back as soon as possible.

But then Doyoung is in sight, walking down to this table. “Sorry if you were waiting long,” Doyoung says, sliding on the chair next to Jaehyun. “It seems that your mother is still interested in continuing our conversation about poetry last night.”

“I hope she didn’t make you uncomfortable,” Jaehyun says, making a mental note to tell his mother not to force Doyoung into unwanted conversations next time. “Uh, Doyoung? I’d like for you to meet Taeyong. He’s a –”

“Jaehyun’s friend,” Taeyong cuts him off, extending his hand to Doyoung’s direction. “Hi there, Doyoung.”

Doyoung knows about Taeyong. Knows him too well, even. Doyoung had helped him get over Taeyong after all, and it was with Doyoung that Jaehyun got massively drunk and cursed Taeyong to no end, whilst Doyoung was staring through half-lidded eyes, tipsy and giggling at every single insult Jaehyun had said about Taeyong.

But this Doyoung, who smiled politely towards Taeyong, suggest nothing but that no, he does not know who this man is. “Nice to meet you,” he says, shaking his hand.

***

“So that’s Taeyong?”

Jaehyun looks up from where he’s trying to unknot his tie. “Sorry, what?”

There’s an audible sigh as Doyoung, again swats Jaehyun’s hands away from the tie. “Let me,” he says. “I said, so that was Taeyong?”

“Oh,” Jaehyun responds. “I mean, yes. It’s him. Taeyong.”

Doyoung hums, handing Jaehyun his tie. “I can see why you were so messed up when you guys broke up,” Doyoung says. “He has the look of a heartbreaker.”

Jaehyun snort. He starts to unbutton his shirt. “Don’t let his looks fool you,” Jaehyun says. “He’s anything but a player. He doesn’t even have that many friends.”

Doyoung tilts his head. “Oh?”

“I mean,” Jaehyun flusters. He didn’t mean to sound like he was insulting Taeyong, but the truth is, Taeyong really didn’t have that much friends. There was Yuta, Luna and his roommate Taeil, but Taeyong isn’t the type who likes to form a social relations with many people unless it could benefit him something. “Taeyong is shy. He has friends, of course, but he’s not the type to make small talk or bond with some random stranger just because he caught them listening to his favourite artist. He’s not Ten, that’s for sure.” Jaehyun could banish Ten to a remote island and in a matter of second, he would be elected as the tribal chief already.

“I don’t think there’s anyone like Ten at all,” Doyoung says, his chuckle soft. 

“Nope, there isn’t,” Jaehyun says. “As much as I hate to admit, he’s one of a kind. But it’s probably for the best. Imagine living in a world where there are tens of Ten.”

***

It’s rather quiet tonight.

Not that they’ve spent last night talking about their dreams and secrets, but it’s different, it’s the kind of noticeable quiet. Not so quite an awkward one, but the difference between last night and tonight was, last night they were both really tired from the rehearsal dinner. That doesn’t mean Jaehyun isn’t tired from today, he’s definitely tired. But he can’t quite bring himself to sleep, not even after he tried to counting the sheep.

And he knows Doyoung isn’t sleeping either, evidence at how he tries to move, slowly, as if afraid he’ll wake Jaehyun up. Doyoung eventually gives up in adjusting his sleeping position and just facing the ceiling like Jaehyun did.

“Can I ask you a question?” Doyoung’s voice eventually breaks the heavy silence between them.

“Sure,” Jaehyun says, shrugging slightly. It certainly is better than having to dwell with the silence even longer.

“You don’t have to answer, but I’m just really, really curious. Why did you and Taeyong broke up?” Jaehyun could feel Doyoung turns his head towards him slightly. Slightly, though. Just slightly.

Jaehyun sighs. “That’s a long story.”

“You don’t have to tell me,” Doyoung says again. “But I just thought it was worth to ask.”

“No, it’s fine, it’s not like a federal secret anyway,” Jaehyun says, waving his hand. “But it’s a really long story, though. Sure you won’t fall asleep?”

Doyoung snort. “I’m sure it’s interesting enough to keep me awake.”

“Short answer, he cheated,” Jaehyun says. “He slept with his friend after we fight.”

“And the long answer?”

Jaehyun laughs. “You really are curious, aren’t you?”

Doyoung narrows his eyes at him. “It’s not a federal secret, isn’t it?”

“No, it’s not,” Jaehyun shakes his head. “The long answer, was that we weren’t happy. For the last couple of months. We were fighting a lot. Even over stupid things like which one is Arctic Monkeys best album.” Looking back, it was funny how Taeyong had insulted Jaehyun’s choice, saying that “AM album are for those who still plays around in Tumblr and wanted to look edgy and ‘ _different’_!”

“During those months, Taeyong kept mentioning about a scholarship to Japan. I always knew it was his dream to study abroad, but I just didn’t think he would actually do it, you know? I always thought he’d be interested in going abroad for a Master’s degree or something. But this scholarship was a year to study in this really prestigious Japanese dance studio. It’s scheduled right after graduation, probably one month after. Taeyong knew that I wouldn’t like it if he applied, so he applied without me knowing. It was after I caught him practicing his interview with Yuta that I finally realized, that he applied and he had a good chance of going in.”

Doyoung turns his body aside, facing Jaehyun.  The hotel room no longer feels cold, rather they slowly warms up, as if someone had thrown a bonfire in here. “You... wouldn’t like it if he moved abroad?”

“You know how I was back then,” Jaehyun shrugs. “I was immature and selfish. It wasn’t that I didn’t want better for Taeyong, it was that I didn’t like the idea of having a long distance relationship. I wasn’t particularly clingy, I just... didn’t like it. Long distance relationship are bullshit, they never work. At least not to me.”

“So you guys had a fight,” Doyoung states.

“We did,” Jaehyun says. “It was bad. We’ve been dating for over a year, and I’ve never made him cry. At least not when we were fighting. Yet at that time, I was so mad at him that there was nothing that I want more than to see him cry. I was horrible, I knew I was. We had this big fight and he stormed out. I didn’t call or see him for a couple of days, and when I had the chance to think better, I realized just how horrible I was. I went to his dorm room to apologize and... well, you know how it was.”

Taeyong, with doe eyes that couldn’t get anymore bigger, blocking his doorway, but Jaehyun is taller than him, he could see who was inside Taeyong’s room, and sure enough, a naked Yuta, crouching down, scrambling to get his clothes off the floor. Jaehyun didn’t say anything, didn’t even react. He just turned around and walk away. Taeyong’s voice calling out to him was just another white noise, and Jaehyun’s mind went blank.

Doyoung’s hand is cold when it meets his cheek, and Jaehyun’s heart threaten to stop beating. His thumb carefully traces the curve of Jaehyun’s cheek, and Jaehyun turns aside to face him too.

Doyoung is beautiful, he knows this, but upclose, he looks absolutely _ethereal_. The slopes of his jaw, the scar he had on his mouth, his small eyes, _his lips_.

For a second, Jaehyun thinks that Doyoung is going to kiss him, just by the way he cups his cheek, thumb relentlessly caressing the skin, and Jaehyun is ready, even as his heart wouldn’t stop aggressively beating, as if trying to break free from his rib cage. But no, Doyoung is still, and then he stops caressing.

Jaehyun thinks he might have to be the one who leaned in and kiss him.

“Good night, Jaehyun,” Doyoung whispers suddenly, breath coming out shallow, as if he had been running. His cheeks flush the deepest shade of red, and he turns around, turning off the nightstand lamp, leaving Jaehyun to burn on his own.

***

The atmosphere is awkward the next day.

Doyoung has his back turned from Jaehyun, crouching down at his bags to see if there’s anything he forgets. He’s been doing that for almost ten minutes now. He seems to avoid Jaehyun in the way roommates avoid each other, which is in the most subtle way possible, careful to not let anyone notice. Doyoung kept pacing between the bathroom and his suitcase, double-checking to see if he’s missed anything, but he’s been double checking for four times now.

“Stop worrying,” Jaehyun says. “Even if there’s anything you’ve missed, the hotel will definitely give Luna a call.”

Doyoung shrugs,  avoiding Jaehyun’s eyes. “Still,” he says. “It’s nice to know I didn’t miss anything.”

The tension seems to be lifted off for a moment when they’re on the elevator, but that’s only because Luna and Junmyeon is there too, preparing to go to the airport for their honeymoon. Luna kept making a small talk with Doyoung, to which Doyoung enthusiastically replies, and the talk continues until they’ve arrived at the lobby, and in that moment, it’s as if Jaehyun had turned invisible.

The tension is back when they ride Jaehyun’s car back to the university. Arctic Monkey’s _I Wanna Be Yours_ serenades through, the only noise in the otherwise silent room. Jaehyun knows that if the situation had been normal, Doyoung would’ve said something, maybe about how this song will never get old (“A timeless piece,” Doyoung had said) or he would critic Taeyong about his hatred towards the AM album. Or he’ll probably sing along to this. It’s his and Jaehyun’s favourite out of all the songs in the AM discography, after all.

“I’m going to take a nap,” Doyoung says, lowering his seat. “Wake me up if there’s anything you need.”

What I need is for you to talk to me, Jaehyun thinks. For you to explain just why you did what you did last night.

But truthfully? Doyoung did _nothing_. It was a simple touch on the cheek, Jaehyun has done more than that, he’s not gonna act like some twenty year old virgin who gets nervous for his first kiss. He’s overreacting, clearly, but this isn’t just someone random. This is Doyoung. He’s been in love with him for over two years now, since Doyoung groaned loudly and said he’s had enough of Jaehyun moping around.

But it’s not like Doyoung is any better. If Doyoung hadn’t acted so weirdly maybe Jaehyun wouldn’t have acted equally strange too, Jaehyun would have brushed it off.

The car stops at the traffic light, and Jaehyun steal a glance at the sleeping Doyoung. His raven hair is tousled, covering his face, and Jaehyun resist the urge to brush it off.  Doyoung can do it himself.

***

Ten is annoying, even a stranger on the street acknowledges it. Ten is so fucking annoying and loud. There are so many annoying things about Ten that Jaehyun could list off, from the way he chews his food to the way he overreacted over little things, and truthfully, there aren’t enough papers in the world that could cover the list.

Yet out of so many annoying traits, one of the trait that Jaehyun truly, truly hates, is how perceptive he is. How he knows something had happened on the weekend when Jaehyun comes to his dorm room to hang out the next Monday.

“Something happened,” Ten says, watching Jaehyun as he plops himself on the bean bag chair on the corner of Ten’s room. “What happened?”

Jaehyun closes his eyes. “Ten, aren’t there enough dramas in your life already?” he replies.

“No, there aren’t. So, what happened?” Ten asks, crossing his arms, poking Jaehyun’s stomach with his toe. Gross.

“Nothing happened,” Jaehyun swats Ten’s foot off his stomach. “Mind your own fucking business, Ten.”

Ten is usually persistent, annoying Jaehyun until Jaehyun snapped and tell him. Ten has a way of getting the things that he want. But this time, Ten just shrugs, letting the topic drop. “Alright,” Ten says. “You know, sooner or later you’ll tell me. You’re really bad at keeping things to yourself,” His tone is confident. He’s probably right about that. “So, how was the wedding? Like, genuinely? Did Luna run off last minute?”

Jaehyun frowns. “Why would she do that?” Ten has a really weird way of thinking sometimes. “It was fine. Beautiful. Nothing really worth telling about.”

Ten laughs even though Jaehyun didn’t say anything funny. “Right, I forgot just how much you hate weddings.”

No, not this one. He didn’t hate this one. Doyoung was there with him all night, his smile was blinding like the moonlight, his laugh was rich and melodic in Jaehyun’s ears as he got dragged by Jaehyun’s mother to dance. Jaehyun had danced with Luna herself, and they bumped several times. Each times Doyoung smiled at him, and Jaehyun felt like letting go of Luna and pulled Doyoung to dance with him instead, and maybe pulled him down for a kiss.

“What are you smiling about, freak?” Jaehyun gets pulled back to reality at Ten’s annoying voice. “Did you imagine your own wedding with Doyoung?”

“No, I just imagined it’d be nice if I could watch you get lowered down to casket,” Jaehyun grumbles. “Stop making everything about Doyoung.”

Ten snorts. “You’re one to talk.”

 

***

 

“I told him about what happened between me and Taeyong,” Jaehyun tells him anyway. Ten was right about Jaehyun not being able to keep things to himself. “Then he just kinda stroke my face. He was so close, and I thought he was going to kiss me.”

“But he didn’t,” Ten says.

Jaehyun narrows his eyes. “No, he didn’t. Nothing happened. Then we just fell asleep. The next morning he was kind of avoiding me, but he tried to make it the most subtlest way possible.”

  
“You know, Jaehyun, it’s not like you’re doing anything to try and make him stop avoiding you either. Get over it, he caressed your face, not sucked your dick,” Ten says, not bothering to look up from his phone.

Jaehyun groans. “You’re not helping.”

“It’s not like you’ll let me help anyway,” Ten puts his phone aside. “Look, it’s not a big deal, okay? I honestly thought you guys did something worse, like I don’t know, got drunk and had sex. But you both seems to be smart enough not to let anything cloud your judgements with each other. It’s kind of obvious that Doyoung likes you too, I mean, no one will caress your cheek out of no where. It’s obvious that Doyoung is going to wait out a few days before he’ll act normal around you again, and if you don’t want to wait around, just talk to him. There’s no harm in that.”

Jaehyun reminds himself to write today’s date down and marked it as the day Ten is able to act like a normal, decent person on his imaginary journal. “And if it doesn’t work out?”

Ten raise his eyebrow. “What wouldn’t work out? Jaehyun, I’m not telling you to confess about your feelings for him, I’m telling you to talk about what happened that night. Gosh, you two acted just like a twenty year old virgin. He touched your cheek, not get down on one knee and propose.”

***

“Hey,” Jaehyun says when the door creaks open to reveal Doyoung carrying, again another stack of books. “Do you need help with that?”

“No, I’ve got it under control,” Doyoung says, dropping them all to his bed. He takes off his jacket. “Have you eaten?”

Doyoung is back to his usual self, so unlike this morning where he pretended to be late, rushing to pack his stuff and running out of the room even though it was seven in the fucking morning. “Well, I ate a cup ramen at Ten’s dorm,” That’s a lie, he didn’t eat anything at Ten’s room because he was waiting for Doyoung to come back, but Doyoung always frowned whenever he caught Jaehyun eating ramen, scolding him as if he didn’t know any better. Jaehyun acknowledges it as a fact that Doyoung did, in fact, care about him.

But Doyoung doesn’t show any reaction, he just nods. “Oh, okay,” he says lightly. “I was actually going to ask you if you’d like to come down with me to go to that Korean restaurant five minutes away from campus.”

“Wait, no, Doyoung,” Jaehyun had expected Doyoung to scolded him about how Jaehyun is going to die before he’s thirty if he kept eating ramen noodles, he didn’t expect Doyoung to just be okay with it. “I mean, sure, I’d come with you. You’re seriously not gonna go alone, aren’t you?”

“Actually, I was gonna,” Doyoung says. “I mean, I do that all the time.”

Jaehyun frowns. “Doyoung, that’s kind of sad.”

Doyoung simply just laughs. “Oh, Jaehyun Jung, I don’t know what to tell you but I’m a very, very, sad person.”

***

The Korean restaurant serves a great spicy beef soup that reminded Jaehyun of his mother’s cooking. Despite the great food that they serve, though, there aren’t many people who eats here, just him and Doyoung and two other people that occupy the table near the door.

Doyoung, who is less-tolerant to spicy foods, ordered a cold buckwheat noodles himself. For a moment, they just sit there, eating in silence. Jaehyun isn’t quite sure if he’s enjoying the silence, but at the same time he also doesn’t know what to say to start the conversation.

And then Doyoung dip his spoon to Jaehyun’s bowl, and Jaehyun is about to protest because Doyoung can’t handle spicy food at all, but then Doyoung says: “If you keep eating spicy foods so much, you’ll die before you even reach thirty.”

Jaehyun watches as Doyoung’s face contorts to a pained expression when he tasted the broth. It’s cute. “I have a really strong tummy, don’t worry,” he says, smiling at Doyoung.

Doyoung snorts, but his eyes are soft when it meets Jaehyun’s.

So perhaps they don’t need to talk about it. They don’t have to talk about the “cheek-caressing” (Ten’s words). Things are going well between them, and Jaehyun doesn’t need to fuck it up even further. Even now, Doyoung is laughing at some pun Jaehyun had made about the soup.

It’s cold when they finally reach outside, and  Doyoung is visibly shivering. Jaehyun unwraps his scarf, silently handing it out to him. “You’ll get cold,” he says.

Doyoung shakes his head. “You’ll get cold too.”

Jaehyun is willing to turn into a block of ice if that’s what it takes to keep Doyoung warm. He smiles, wrapping his scarf around Doyoung’s neck, and for once Doyoung didn’t protest. It reminds him of the time when Doyoung knot his tie, and Jaehyun can’t help but smile at the memory.

“What are you smiling about?” Doyoung asks, stuffing his hands on the pocket of his jacket.

The word ‘you’ is left unsaid. “Nothing,” he says. “You ready to go?”

In a perfect world, one where he and Doyoung are together, Jaehyun would ask this question whilst holding out a hand for Doyoung to take, clasping it tightly as they walk back to the university.

***

 **Ten:** Saw you and Doyoung walking back to the university last night. Did you two finally talk?

 **Me** : God, Ten, do you ever mind your own business

 

Ten’s reply come fifteen minutes later.

**Ten:** I take that as a no then

 

Jaehyun proceeds to think if this text worth replying fast, but think better of it. He shuts his phone and makes a mental note to reply after class.

“You didn’t reply to my text,” Ten says when Jaehyun comes over.

“It’s not worth replying to,” Jaehyun says, sinking himself down on the bean bag chair. This is really comfy. Maybe he should buy one to put in his dorm, or just steal this one when Ten is asleep.

“I find it fascinating how Doyoung could sent you a meme when you were in class and you’d still reply in a heartbeat,” Ten narrows his eyes at Jaehyun. He opens up his laptop and clicked to a random episode of House.

“Well, that’s different,” Jaehyun defends, snatching a random volume of One Piece comic from Ten’s desk. Jaehyun finds it even more fascinating how Ten has more collections of comics on his desk than he has his textbooks. It reminds him of Doyoung’s desk, where he has more novels than textbooks, but then again, Doyoung is a Literature major. He reads to pass his class. “At least the memes that Doyoung sent is more interesting to look at than your text.”

“So you didn’t talk to him,” Ten says, not tearing his gaze away from Hugh Laurie.

“It’s not worth talking about, Ten. Like you said, he just touched my cheek. Nothing else. We went for dinner and everything just comes back to normal. We started talking comfortably again and he even wake me up for my eight am class today,” As if on cue, Jaehyun’s phone vibrates, showing an Instagram notification from Doyoung, sending him a post from some spam page. He holds out his phone out for Ten to see. “See? He even sends me a meme again.”

Ten sighs, pausing the episode and Jaehyun wish he hadn’t done that, because the only time Ten pause on Hugh Laurie is when he starts to get more serious about things. Jaehyun wordlessly watch as Ten put his laptop aside. “Look, Jaehyun. I agree it’s just some cheek-caressing or whatever, but it means something. To you, at least. You’ve been in love with Doyoung for almost three years now, and I’ve had the displeasure of knowing that all these time. I had to listen to you talk about Doyoung like he’s your God or something, I had to see that look on your face whenever Doyoung did so much as breathing, you look at him like he put the stars and the moon to the sky. I see it as Doyoung touching your cheek, and maybe that’s just how Doyoung sees it too, it meant nothing, but clearly it means something to you, everything Doyoung do, it always means something to you. And I’m telling you, Jaehyun, as someone who genuinely cares about you, to talk about it to Doyoung. I’m not saying that you have to say how you feel about it to him, just ask like you’re curious. Just ask it so causally, like ‘hey, what does it mean when you caress my cheek? Does it mean that you like how smooth my cheek feels and you’re wondering what moisturizer did I use, or are you just pitying me because I was telling you a very tragic story of how I got betrayed by my ex?’”

Jaehyun hates living in a world where Ten is right.

“Fine,” Jaehyun says. “But for the record, it meant nothing to me.”

Ten snorts. “Yeah, and I wouldn’t let Hugh Laurie top me.”

“Ten, you’re a bottom.”

“ _Willingly,_ ” Ten correct him. “I could top if I want to.”

Then the room goes to silent, with Hugh Laurie’s voice reserves as the only noise in the room.  It’s a pleasant kind of silence, where they both enjoy the company of each other without necessarily having to talk. That’s one of the things why he likes being friends with Ten, he knows when to shut his mouth sometimes _._ And how he can do so many stuff without ever being judged by his friend, and how Ten doesn’t necessarily sugarcoat his words. He’s brutally honest, but that’s just what Jaehyun needs. For people to tell it like it is.

It’s also why he likes being with Doyoung.

***

Jaehyun met Doyoung in the beginning of his sophomore year, when Doyoung was a fellow sophomore who moved because his dorm was too far from most of his classes.

Doyoung is nice, with a sweet, velvety voice and a gummy smile that’s even sweeter to look at. He’s polite, answering most of Jaehyun’s questions with the most formal words possible, as if he was interviewing for a job, and not for a room that he knows he’s gonna have anyway whether or not Jaehyun is satisfied with his answers.

They become closer when Doyoung catches him blasting Arctic Monkeys’ _I Wanna Be Yours_ on full volume. Jaehyun, still heartbroken from his break up, refusing to move from his bed unless it’s for class, turning on some sad songs on full volume, not caring if he’s gonna bother the people next door.

Jaehyun only paused the song when he notices Doyoung stepping inside, out of respect for Doyoung’s hearings. “Oh, hey Doyoung,” Jaehyun said.

“Hey,” Back then Doyoung’s gummy smile was just a smile to him. He missed Taeyong’s smile even more.  “Oh, you like Arctic Monkeys?” The tone of his voice is full of delight, as opposed to Jaehyun’s monotone one when he said yes.

And so it begins.

Doyoung’s sudden appearance in Jaehyun’s life did make his life a little brighter, as cheesy as it is. Doyoung was a beautiful distraction amidst all of the hurting, and the growing hatred towards Taeyong and Yuta. Doyoung and his sweet voice, singing along to _I Wanna Be Yours_ and _Knee Socks_. Doyoung talking about how his first celebrity crush was Alex Turner. Doyoung talking about how his first sexual awakening was when he saw Alex Turner performing 505 on Youtube.

As time pass, Doyoung was more than just a distraction. Doyoung was... somewhat of a change. Kind of like someone Jaehyun had used as a way to get over Taeyong. But he didn’t used Doyoung, Doyoung was his friend and his roommate. It’s only fair to get closer to him, right? They’ll be living for two more years, after all.

“You know, you can’t keep living like this,” Doyoung grumbled, picking up Jaehyun’s one week old socks, throwing it aside. “I understand that you’re heartbroken or whatever, but you can’t just... lie in your bed everyday in your sweatpants listening to _I Wanna Be Yours_ on repeat. That song is my favourite, but that doesn’t mean I want to listen to it every single day on repeat.”

“Leave me alone,” Jaehyun groaned, voice muffled against his pillow. “Leave me alone to drown in my sorrow, Doyoung!”

Doyoung forcefully pried the pillow from his hands. “I can’t, even if I want to. I live here now, and I’m tired of looking at you every single day in the same sweatpants, mourning over someone I don’t even know. Last week you threw your phone out from the window instead of this... framed picture of you and your ex. Who even framed their pictures anymore, anyway? And you haven’t even threw it out. So you know what, Jaehyun, as much as I’d like to stay out of your love life, once it’s becoming inconvenient to me, it’s now becoming my business too. So get up, change your pants and I’m starving, so we’re gonna go out to eat.”

Jaehyun hasn’t gone out from the university area for almost two months now, and he didn’t even know that the sun has became blindingly bright these days, having shut the curtains off after Doyoung went to class. He wore a pair of Rayban sunglasses in case his eyes looks puffy.

“There’s this new diner off campus,” Doyoung said, starting his car. “It has this 80s theme to it, which sounds kinda lame, but I’ve never been to one and I heard they have jukebox and the waiters dance whenever you turn it on.”

Jaehyun sinks his chair back, crossing his arms. He didn’t take off his sunglasses. “I’ve been to that type of diner before,” he says. He remembered how Taeyong danced to The Smiths’ _There is a Light that Never Goes Out_ , a happy smile adorning his unbearably handsome face as he held out his hand for Jaehyun to take. “They are lame.”

God, he felt even more sad now.

“Boy, aren’t you mister the-glass-is-half-empty,” Doyoung said, a small smile on his face when Jaehyun looked over to him. “You know what, Jaehyun, cheer up. I could’ve gone alone or ask my friends to accompany me, but you’re just so sad and you haven’t gone out for ages unless it’s for class. My intention here is too cheer you up, so loose the sunglasses, at least.”

Jaehyun took off his sunglasses, at least.

***

“Doyoung?” His voice cuts through the thick silence of the night. Jaehyun can’t fall asleep, despite his best effort to read a boring book or count the sheep like he always do. He can’t jack off, because that would be so fucking inappropriate with Doyoung in the room.

Doyoung is awake, evidence at how there’s an occasional sound of a paper sliding. He’s reading Jane Eyre.

“Yeah?” Doyoung says, not looking up.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” he snaps his book shut. “I could use some talking to get over my what is apparently a growing feelings towards Mr. Rochester.”

Jaehyun laughs. Doyoung is funny, even when he tries not to be.

“What do you wanna ask, Jaehyun?”

Jaehyun fakes a cough. “Right,” he says. “Um, do you remember when we were... talking, about how me and Taeyong broke up?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Do you remember... touching... my cheek?” If the choice were given between throwing himself off the window or asking this questions, Jaehyun would choose the former without regrets. He sounds so childish asking this questions aloud. “Uh, caressing would be the word I choose, of course, but –”

“Ah, were you uncomfortable by it?” Doyoung asks, his voice gentle, like asking a wounded deer. “I’m sorry, Jaehyun. It just slipped out of me. I won’t do it again.”

“Wait, no! That’s not what I meant, I didn’t say I don’t like it,” Jaehyun hates at how panicked he sounded. No, it’s not that he doesn’t like it. It’s just... Weird. “Nevermind, Doyoung. It’s nothing. It’s not worth talking about. Good night.”

The room is dark, save for the subtle glow from the nightstand lamp that Doyoung use for reading. Even so, Jaehyun can still see Doyoung’s face really clear.

He looks like he wants to say something.

***

Jaehyun _loathes_ Christmas.

He loves winter, though. It’s probably his favourite season out of all the seasons. It’s the perfect weather to sleep in, to be lazing around, and not to sound like a little kid, to drink hot chocolate as much as his stomach can bear.

He just doesn’t like the part where he has to meet his relatives, again, as if meeting them at Luna’s wedding isn’t enough. He’s lucky enough to get away with Thanksgiving, calling his mother in an apologetic tone that he can’t drive home for Thanksgiving dinner because he has to study for a makeup test. And while Jaehyun feels bad for lying to his mother, especially when she said, disappointment unmistakeable in her voice, that she’s already planning to make Jaehyun’s favourite apple pie. Oh well, there’s always next year.

But winter has set in and Jaehyun promised his mother that he’ll go home, and despite everything, Jaehyun did miss his parents.

“Please remember to send me more memes,” Jaehyun says to Doyoung on their last day before winter break. “It’s gonna be really boring in my house and I need some distraction that don’t include my mother asking me if I could help her bake some more cookies.”

Doyoung laughs, zipping his last suitcase. Unlike Jaehyun, whose house is only thirty minutes drive from the university, Doyoung is from another city altogether. He’s catching his flight tomorrow morning at dawn. Jaehyun would have asked him if he could drive Doyoung to the airport, but isn’t sure if he could wake up by that time. And it’s not like Doyoung would’ve said yes anyway.

“I’m not gonna promise anything,” Doyoung says. “My mother can be just as unbearable.”

“I’m gonna miss you,” Jaehyun pouts. The display is so overly childish but he can’t help it, he _is_ going to miss Doyoung. College can get so overwhelming, but Doyoung’s presence is like an anchor. He’s the one and only reason why Jaehyun is sure he’s going to miss being in college. “Like, really. I’m going to think about you every single morning of this dreadful break and whine every single day that you’re not here to crack some really bad joke or read me a really boring classics.”

“I’ll call you,” Doyoung says, and he seems to remember something because he crouches down again, searching for something on his suitcase. “Ah,” he says, pulling out a package and walking over to Jaehyun’s bed. “Here.”

The package – more like a gift, really. It’s big and thin, wrapped in a really neat gift wrapper, the colour festive green completed with candycanes and Santa Clause as the pattern. The red ribbon just adds the festiveness into it.

It’s cute.

“Oh, Doyoung, I didn’t get you anything,” Jaehyun says, cursing himself for always forgetting to give Doyoung an early Christmas gift. Really, it’s always Doyoung that has the first initiative to gift Jaehyun something.

“It’s fine,” Doyoung shrugs. “I’m gonna be away for a little bit longer than I usually do, so I just want to give you your gift in advance. I thought you might like it.”

Jaehyun carefully pull the ribbon off, tearing the wrapper away with careful hands, as if it’s gonna fall off his hands the second he sees what’s inside.

Saying that he might like it has to be an understatement, Jaehyun doesn’t just _like_ it, he _loves_ it. And it’s not just because it’s Doyoung who gave him.

For Jaehyun’s birthday this year, Doyoung had gifted him a record player. Jaehyun remembered saying that he’s been wanting his own record player to Doyoung,  one that’s here on his dorm, because the one at Jaehyun’s house is his dad’s and his dad wouldn’t let him play anything that is not from the 80’s. Jaehyun had even a joke that he’ll let Doyoung play Arctic Monkey’s _I Wanna Be Yours_ on repeat here in case Doyoung is going through the same phase that he do (i.e; bad breakup, heartbreak).

And Doyoung also knows that Jaehyun haven’t had the time to buy his own vinyl, because they haven’t been to that music store they used to frequent in quite some time.

The vinyl is, of course, his and Doyoung’s favourite album, Arctic Monkey’s _AM_. This album is probably one of the sole reason why they became close, and he and Doyoung spent their Sunday afternoon cooped up in the dorm listening to this album on speaker, full volume.

“Now I can use your record player to play this in case I’m going through a bad break up,” Doyoung jokes. “Do you like it?”

“I – I love it,” Jaehyun says, looking up to meet Doyoung’s dark brown eyes. “Doyoung... I don’t know what to say. Thank you.” He gets up, pulling Doyoung close.

The hug feels far too intimate for it to be just a thank you hug, with Jaehyun burying his face in the crook of Doyoung’s neck, and Doyoung’s arms circled in Jaehyun’s waist, pulling him closer. Closer than they already are.

“You’re welcome,” Doyoung whispers, running his hand up and down Jaehyun’s back. “I’m glad you love the gift. I was worried you wouldn’t.”

How could he? It’s his favourite album from his favourite band. And it’s gifted from his favourite person. Jaehyun must be changing to a whole new person if he didn’t.

“What gives you the idea?” Jaehyun asks anyway.

Doyoung’s smile holds a thousands of meanings. “Well, for one, when Arctic Monkeys released Hotel Tranquility Base and Casino, you always go on and on about how much you hate them.”

The pout is back on Jaehyun’s lips. “It _is_ their worst album!”

Doyoung laughs, showing that gummy smile Jaehyun had always been fond of. “You’re too harsh, Jae. Give Alex a break, that album means so much to him.”

Jaehyun wishes they were standing under a mistletoe, just so he’d have a reason to kiss him.

***

**Me**

Christmas dinner is so damn boring please tell me a pun so I’d have no reason to stab my relatives in the eyeball with a fork

**Doyoung**

Which Santa’s elves sing Love Me Tender

The Santa Elvis!

 

And Jaehyun can’t help himself to laugh, because that joke _is_ funny. This earns him a glare from his mother, and his father clears his throat. Jaehyun slip his phone back to his pocket and mutters a half-hearted apology.

“So, Jaehyun,” Luna says, passing the bowl of yam to one of his aunts, “I’m a bit disappointed that you didn’t bring Doyoung here with you. He was such a fun person to be around.”

“He has a home to go to,” Jaehyun says, cutting up his roasted chicken. “And by that I meant he’s from another city. So he has to fly out.”

“It’d be nice if you’d invite him here sometime,” his mother adds. “And Luna is right, he’s a fun person to be around. And you’re not the type of person who invites people to a family event, so Doyoung must be special to you.”

Out of his peripheral vision, he catches his uncle looking visibly uncomfortable, but doesn’t say anything as he scoops out his yam. “He’s not someone _special_ ,” He deliberately emphasises the word ‘special’. “He’s just a good friend of mine.”

Luna isn’t convinced. “Doesn’t look like it, though,” she says, her tone is kind, but mischievous. Jaehyun narrows his eyes at her.

 **Doyoung :** Was the joke not funny enough to distract you from your relatives?

Have you stabbed them all?

Oh my god, you’re in a police station now, aren’t you?

[image attached]

 

It’s unfair at how Doyoung somehow always managed to find a way to amuse Jaehyun, or how he always finds a meme funnier that Jaehyun’s. It’s even more unfair that these things are what makes Jaehyun falls a little deeper to Doyoung every single day.

 **Me** : God, I miss you

 **Doyoung :** Miss you too roomie

Bet it’s so dull there without my presence

It’s more than just dull. Jaehyun would prefer pulling an all-nighter at their dorm if it means he gets to see Doyoung, even if the said man would just be sleeping.

 **Me:** :(

***

Jaehyun spend his New Year at his parents house.

It’s nothing new, really, it’s not like new year held a significant meaning to him. Because of snowstorm, Doyoung is still stuck at his hometown, unable to get any flight until the day after New Year. Ten, on the other hand, is traveling with his family through Europe.

Luna had tried dragging Jaehyun out to a barbecue party she’s having at her new house with her husband, and while that does sound tempting, the comfort of his bed sounds even more tempting.

Doyoung, on the other hand, seems to be having more fun. He’s at a New Year’s party with some of his high school friends, from the picture that he had gave him, and his Instagram’s post as well. Jaehyun tries to ignore the queasy feeling on his stomach when he sees Doyoung wrapping his arms around some guy’s waist, looking tipsy and all. He just hoped Doyoung is safe, though.

The clock strikes to midnight, and he got a bunch of Happy New Year’s messages from his friends.

He only replies to one out of all.

**Doyoung**

Happy new year, Jaehyun.

**Me**

Happy new year, Doyoung.

Hope you get home safe

**Doyoung**

So flattered that you still care about me despite the distance

I’m already home, though

Going out was a big mistake

 

From the way Doyoung leaned his body towards the guy, head on his shoulder and all, it really doesn’t seem like it’s a big mistake.

Jaehyun pushes down the feeling of jealousy to where he can’t feel them anymore. He really doesn’t have any right to feel that, right? Doyoung isn’t his, and from the way he acts around him, he’ll certainly will never be Jaehyun’s.

His phone rings. Doyoung.

“Doyoung?”

“Hey there,” Doyoung sounded tipsy, from the way he chuckles when Jaehyun answered the call. “Just wanted to say happy new year in person.”

“So flattered,” Jaehyun says despite himself. “Happy new year to you too, Doyoung. Come home quickly.”

Doyoung’s laugh is soft and husky, confirming Jaehyun’s concern that yes, Doyoung is tipsy. “God, I wish I could.”

“Is there something wrong?”

“No, it’s nothing,” He could almost feel Doyoung shrugging. “Jaehyun, is it okay if I ask you something?”

The last time Doyoung had asked him something, he ended up stroking Jaehyun’s cheek affectionately, and then proceeds to avoid him in the most subtle way possible. Jaehyun ponders for a while before realizing Doyoung can’t possibly do the same thing, he’s literally two thousand miles away.

“Of course,” Jaehyun answers.

There’s a brief pause, and Jaehyun wonders if Doyoung had ended the call. “When you... met Taeyong again, how does it feel like?” Doyoung sounded unsure of himself, as if he had said something he shouldn’t have. “I mean – nevermind. Forget it. Sorry for bothering you.”

“Wait no, Doyoung. You’re not bothering,” Jaehyun says. “I told you, you can ask me anything. What is it that you want to ask?”

“It’s nothing, really, Jaehyun,” Doyoung sighs. The sound of it is painful to Jaehyun’s ears. “I’m sorry. It’s just the alcohol. Can we please pretend it never happened?”

The last thing Jaehyun wants is for Doyoung to feel uncomfortable and awkward. “Of course,” he says. “Get some sleep, Doyoung.”

Doyoung ends the call without saying anything.

***

“If I tell you that you’re suffocating me, will you let me go?” Doyoung grumbles against Jaehyun’s hold. He hasn’t seen Doyoung in two weeks, he’s entitled to be clingy and needy.

Doyoung pretends that he doesn’t like the hug, but that doesn’t change the fact he has his arms wrapped tightly on Jaehyun’s waist as well. And for that, it’s easier to pretend that maybe Doyoung missed him just as much.

”Fine, fine,” Jaehyun says, finally letting go. “You’ll have to excuse me. Break was pretty boring. Ten keep sending me pictures of him in Europe to make me jealous. Starting from now, I’ve officially announce that he will no longer be my friend.”

“Aw, I like Ten,” Doyoung says, unzipping his suitcase. “He’s nice.”

“Nobody likes Ten,” Jaehyun retorts. “And he’s _definitely_ not nice.”

Doyoung turns his head around to throw Jaehyun a smile before he starts to unpack the rest of his stuff. It’s crazy how Doyoung can find it in him to unpack. Jaehyun usually lets his suitcase left untouched until Doyoung comes across to his still heavy suitcase and starts scolding him for not unpacking. It’s nice to know Doyoung cares about him, or the fact that Jaehyun hasn’t unpacked. Jaehyun chose to believe in the former.

“I got your present,” Jaehyun says, retreating back to his bed, rummaging through his backpack to retrieve the present.

What he got for Doyoung is definitely not as spectacular as what Doyoung had gotten for him. It’s nothing, really, but Doyoung had mentioned his love for Velveteen Rabbit, and had lost the book when he was seven. He hasn’t gotten another one since.

But they went to the bookstore the other day – before the winter break, and Doyoung had stopped in the middle of the children’s books. His eyes are fond as he gently run his fingers all over the book, as though the book is an old friend of his.

“It was my favourite book,” Doyoung said when Jaehyun catches him there. “I had plenty of bedtime story books, but I always come back to this one.”

“Oh, Jaehyun, you don’t have to,” Doyoung says, as if it’s the first time Jaehyun has gotten him a Christmas present. He watches with hopeful eyes that Doyoung will like the gift as his hands carefully tear the paper. “Oh.”

“Do you like it?”

“You remembered,” Doyoung says, and when he looks at Jaehyun, he could’ve sworn his eyes are glassy.

“It isn’t the exact one we saw at the book store,” Jaehyun says. “It just doesn’t seem that special if I got you one that’s new off the rack. I wanted to get you the old edition.” It was very hard to find the really old copy, after all, the book is widely known and has been republished many times since it’s first release in 1922 – and this may not be the first edition, but it is old. And _expensive_. Jaehyun bought this off eBay and had made sure that the book, despite being an old edition, is still as polished and new as the one on the book store, without any damage inflicted on the book. He’s also sure that the seller is scamming him with the price, but upon seeing Doyoung’s expression when he held the book, perhaps it was worth the scam.

Doyoung turns to him, his hand still gripping the book and he throw his arms around Jaehyun’s neck, hugging him close. Jaehyun closes his eyes and let himself be pulled.

Doyoung’s breath is warm against his neck. “Thank you,” he whispers against Jaehyun’s ear. “Thank you so much.”

 _Anything for you_ is left unsaid in his tongue, so Jaehyun runs his hand up and down Doyoung’s back, and says:  “Of course, Doyoung. I’m glad you like the present.”

Doyoung smiles at him, and Jaehyun briefly wonders if his lips were as soft as the velveteen.

***

“I thought you said this type of dinner was lame,” Doyoung says as he opens the door to the 80’s diner they went to three years ago.

It’s still the same in the context of decorations, it’s still got that sort of vintage vibe into it, and it genuinely makes Jaehyun felt like he suddenly time traveled back to the eighties, not to mention just how eerily similar the way the waiters dressed, clearly matching with how the fashion was back then.

“But you liked it,” Jaehyun says. They sit on the booth next to the window, because Doyoung likes to look outside sometimes. “And it’s your birthday. So we have to celebrate.”

The waitress with the bored eyes approaches them, and Doyoung ordered a pancake despite it being eight p.m. “We don’t have to always celebrate,” Doyoung says. “I honestly didn’t even know it was my birthday until you reminded me.”

“It’s a good thing I’m here in your life, then,” Jaehyun grins, but realizes just how weird it sounds. “I mean –”

Doyoung looks up from the menu, still thinking about the drink to order. “I know,” he says. “And I’m glad you’re here in my life too.”

It’s a good thing Jaehyun had finished ordering his food to the waitress, otherwise he’d be choking up from his tears saying his order.

“She’s rude,” Doyoung comments when the bored-eyed waitress just left without saying anything after taking the order, not even sparing them a second glance or asking if that’s all.

“It’s almost a graveyard shift,” Jaehyun says. “She’s entitled to be a little mean.”

Jaehyun glances at the jukebox, remembering the last time they went here, Doyoung had played Chuck Berry’s _Goes a Show You Never Can Tell,_ that one song from Pulp Fiction where Mia and Vincent went on a dance competition, which later turns out to be one of the most iconic dance scene of all time, and consequently, Jaehyun’s favourite scene from the movie (he’s not ashamed to admit that sometimes he’ll tune in Pulp Fiction merely just to watch the dance scene). He smiles at the memory, despite himself. They should have danced back then, like in the movie. Maybe not the full choreo, but dancing to it seems much better than watching the waiters do, now that he thought about it.

“What are you smiling about?” Doyoung asks, tilting his head.

Jaehyun ignores him though, getting up to slot some coins to the machine, punching some numbers to pick the song. He chose _Footloose,_ ignoring Doyoung’s questions as to what the hell is he doing.

Jaehyun grins as he watches the waiters jiggling their body as they deliver their own respective orders, and how some customers are enjoying the music too, bopping his head along to the beat at the intro.

“Come on,” Jaehyun says, holding out a hand to Doyoung. “We have to dance.”

“What do you mean, ‘ _we have to dance_ ’? I don’t dance, I can’t dance –” Doyoung’s protest is cut off when Jaehyun petulantly pulled him forward.

This diner doesn’t have a dance floor, but they should, they definitely should – but none if it matters, because Jaehyun can just pull him beside their table, just where they can have a space to _dance_.

“Jaehyun, I can’t, I don’t dance!” Doyoung shrieks through the loud music, his smile is as bright as the moonlight, illuminating the already blindingly bright diner.

“We don’t have to dance like Ten do,” Jaehyun says, hands tight on Doyoung’s. He forego his ego and dignity, carelessly bopping his head along, his hair bouncing off his head. “Come on, Doyoung, loosen up, it’s your birthday!”

Doyoung is still hesitant, slowly moving along, following Jaehyun’s messy, rhytmless moves. He figures if Ten ever sees his move Ten would drown himself in his vanilla milkshake. Either that or he’ll get up on the table, dancing professionally as if he was starring in Footloose or Dirty Dancing or whatever 80’s movies that has dancing to them.

“That’s not moving!” Jaehyun says. He points out with his chin how some customers also stands up, dancing and bopping along to Kenny Loggin’s voice. “Look, even they are moving and they’re not the one who has anything to celebrate!”

“Jaehyun Jung, you really are the death of me,” Doyoung says, before frantically jumping, not quite following the beat of the song, but he’s slowly relaxing anyway, and that’s good enough.

Life isn’t quite an 80’s romantic comedy Jaehyun had expected to be, where you can just bring your crush here at the diner, playing a fun song on a jukebox, asking them to dance along even though they both have absolutely no knowledge in dancing, with a lot of customers encouraging them and making a way for them to be in the center, throwing away their dignity as they dance the night away. They do dance, Doyoung kept on laughing, cheeks flushed the deepest shade of red, his forehead sweating as he keep on bouncing his head. But unlike in the movies, where you can kiss your partner as the song finally comes off to an end, they didn’t, but Jaehyun gets to see Doyoung panting, face so close to him he might as well just leaned in and kissed him. Doyoung beams at him, face as bright as a sky full of star.

If Doyoung is stars, adorning the sky in a warm, shining glow, then Jaehyun is willing to be the sky. Dark, but Doyoung’s presence made him brighter, happier.

Because that’s certainly what it feels like.

***

“Someday, you’ll be announcing your marriage to Doyoung and I won’t be suprised,” Ten says, when he catches Jaehyun on his phone. He shoots him a look of distaste as he plops down on his bed, opening his laptop to catch on another series of House. Jaehyun doesn’t know just how many times Ten has re-watched all of the seasons of House. Ten can probably recite everything, word from word.

“That has to happen first in order for you to not be suprised,” Jaehyun grumbles, clicking his phone shut. “Aren’t you tired of watching House over and over? Hugh Laurie has other works too, you know. I don’t understand how you haven’t gotten tired of seeing his old face already.”

“Aren’t you the guy who’s been in love with his roommate for two years now?” Ten shoots back. “Back off and stop talking shit about Hugh Laurie.”

“That’s different. I know Doyoung personally. You’ve only seen Hugh Laurie on screen.”

“And I can assure you he’s a hundred times a better man than you,” Ten says.

“That’s not possible, there are no man like me.”

“I thank every God in the sky for that,” Ten opens a bag of Dorito chips, stuffing the chips carelessly in his mouth some of it start to fall off. Jaehyun click his tongue in distaste. Ten and his disgusting manner. “The last thing this world needs is a hundred man just like you.”

***

“I see no point in watching this,” Doyoung says, fingers gripping the hem of Jaehyun’s sweater really tight, as if he wants to rip the fabric off the second a scary scene comes up. “I fucking _hate_ horror movies, you know this.”

“Doyoung, we’ve watched this movie before.” They have, or at least Jaehyun has. Doyoung fell asleep half an hour into the movie. His body had clinged to Jaehyun, results from being scared from the jumpscares, and his fingers didn’t have the same tight grip he had while he was still awake, but it’s still there, and Jaehyun didn’t dare to move.  Meanwhile, his head rested on his shoulder, nosing on the crook of Jaehyun’s neck.

They’re currently crammed in Jaehyun’s bed, laptop in Jaehyun’s lap as they watch The Woman in Black. It’s not intentional, really, but Jaehyun had accused (to which Doyoung didn’t bother to deny) that he’s slept through the movie, so Doyoung had no choice but to agree when Jaehyun recommended The Woman in Black.

It’s not because Jaehyun knew Doyoung is going to be clingy that he decided they should watch a horror movie. It’s because Jaehyun is Jaehyun and he loves horror movies. Doyoung is usually clingy, even if they’re just watching a lighthearted comedy movies. So really, no matter what genre, Doyoung will be clingy either way.

(But Jaehyun won’t deny though, he did enjoy it when Doyoung is _clingier_ when they’re watching a horror).

“Oh, Oh my God!” Doyoung’s nails dig into his sweater, and Jaehyun is thankful that the material is thick. He’s had Doyoung’s nails clawed its way on the skin of his arm before, it’s not an enjoyable sensation.

(Maybe it will be if those nails dig on his back instead, as he pounds into Doyoung. )

“It’s not even that scary,” Jaehyun says, just to rile up Doyoung.

Doyoung scowls, pulling Jaehyun’s hair, causing him to yelp. “You say these things, yet you’re the one who always make me order whenever we had delivery because you’re too shy to talk.”

Well, he’s not shy. He just likes it when Doyoung do things for him.

“I’m a very, very shy person,” Jaehyun pouts.

Doyoung scowls even deeper, but it’s difficult not to mistake the way his eyes contradicts his whole expression, soft and tender, just like the sweater Jaehyun is currently wearing right now and the blanket they’re currently sharing.

When Doyoung looks at him like this, it’s so easy to pretend that Doyoung feels the same thing that he does.

***

“Would you like to get an apartment someday?”

Jaehyun turns to Doyoung from where he’s been looking at the cereal aisle. “I’m sorry?”

“Oh, sorry, was that abrupt?” Doyoung says. “I said, would you like to get an apartment someday?”

Jaehyun raises his eyebrows at him. Of course he would.  He’s graduating in less than a year, he can’t just live in a dorm forever. Not that he would want to.

“Of course I do,” Jaehyun says. “Is that even a question?”

Doyoung chuckles. “You’re right. Sorry. But what I was going to ask, is that if you have no plan of going abroad or moving away, would you like it if we’ll live together?” Doyoung asks, tossing their usual brand of cup instant noodles. “I mean, I’d understand it if you’d prefer to get your own apartment, but since we’re just fresh out of school, it just might be difficult to get an apartment alone, and you and I, we live for quite some time –”

“Doyoung, you’re rambling,” Jaehyun cut him off patiently. “If you have something to say, you can just say it.”

“Would you like to live with me again?” Doyoung asks, but his eyes goes wide after he says them. “Wow – that sounded weird. I sounded like I’m proposing to you. I meant, we could get an apartment together, live as roommates again. It’s gonna be hard to find another roommates again, right? And as far as I can remember, I’m a pretty awesome roommate.”

It’s more than nice to know Doyoung is willing to live with him for a few more years. “Of course,” Jaehyun says. “We could do that.” He settles on a box of Froot Loops, and make a mental note to buy milk. It’s a good thing Doyoung had purchased that mini fridge – their life has become much easier.

“Oh, okay,” Doyoung says, sounding relieved.

Jaehyun bumps his shoulder to Doyoung’s though, whispering, “if I’m being honest, you did just proposed to me. To be my roommate again.”

He doesn’t need to turn back to see if he’s succeed into turning Doyoung’s cheeks to be as red as the tomatoes on the vegetable section they’re currently passing by, and he’d prefer not to either, because Jaehyun is sure that his face also radiates the same colour.

***

“Jane Eyre is a boring book.”

Doyoung looks over to Jaehyun, a sour expression on his face as he slams his book shut. “Boring?” he asks, feigning outrage. “I’m sorry, but Jane Eyre is a very, very classic book yet it is way ahead of its time, its plot revolves around topics that was very sensitive and controversial at the time, such as feminism, educations for women, marriages –”

“Doyoung, I said it was boring, not that it’s a trash or that it isn’t worth reading,” Jaehyun says, adjusting his position so he’s facing towards Doyoung’s side of the bed. Jane Eyre is not _that_ boring. Doyoung was right that the book was modern despite the time it was published, and it was an inspiring book for both men and women alike. Not that Jaehyun ever needed to read Jane Eyre just so he could grasp at the idea that he needs to respect women. “It’s almost concerning at this point, the way you’ve been re-reading it over and over.”

No, the reason why Jaehyun said Jane Eyre is boring is to rile Doyoung up. Jane Eyre is Doyoung’s favourite book; he likes to re-reading them from time-to-time, and Jaehyun likes to rile him up sometimes. He’s bored, it’s two am and he has a class at eight am. He needs to go to sleep, and the only way to do that is pillow talk.

“Calling a very good book boring is the most diplomatic way of calling it bad,” Doyoung says, eyes never leaving the book.

“I’m bored,” Jaehyun says. “Talk to me.”

“I am reading my favourite book, do not disturb me.”

“I have a class in approximately six hours and have to be up half an hour before that. I need to go to sleep. Please talk to me so I could sleep.”

Doyoung narrows his eyes at him. “I’m not gonna talk to you just so you could go to sleep and leave me hanging afterward, go read a book or drink some milk.”

“Then read your book to me,” Jaehyun says. Doyoung used to do that when Jaehyun found it difficult to sleep after his _breakup_. “Prove it to me that I’m wrong, that Jane Eyre was anything but boring.”

Doyoung’s snort is muffled by the book. “You really do have a way of convincing people to get what you want, don’t you?”

“Well, your voice always did send me to sleep.”

“Alright,” Doyoung says, clearing his throat. “You’re lucky because I’ve reached my favourite part of the book – Mr. Rochester’s proposal to Jane,” He adjust his pillow, meeting Jaehyun’s eyes. His eyes twinkle like a star, bright and beautiful. “ _Do you think that because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You’re wrong! I have as much soul as you – and full much heart! And if God had gifted me with some beauty and much wealth, I should made it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you.  I am not talking to you now through the medium of custom, conventionalities, nor even of mortal flesh; it is my spirit that addresses your spirit; just as if both had passed through the grave, and we stood at God’s feet, equal – as we are_.”

Doyoung’s voice is sweet and rich, it reminded him that of a honey – it was never something that he would ever get tired of hearing. Doyoung’s voice is like a symphony that was written by many great composers that ever lived; and his whole existence is like a compilation of their best works. He has a delicate and beautiful features like an antique vase; coloured with so many emotions and feelings just like a painting, and blessed with a voice so beautiful like it was composed by the God himself. He was a piece of art, the very best piece of each category.

“It’s a very beautiful speech,” is the only answer Jaehyun could come up with.

And Doyoung’s laugh is like a remedy that Jaehyun never knew he would need. “Well, Charlotte Brontë was an excellent writer.”

***

_Two years ago_

“I guess I should be grateful you’re not playing _I Wanna Be Yours_ for the thousandth time,” Doyoung said, his sigh a white noise in Jaehyun’s ears as he picked up Jaehyun’s coat. “God, I guess you really are rich. Who throws a five hundred dollar coat so carelessly on the ground?” On his hand is the tan brown coat Jaehyun always wore all the time, a scowl on his face that Jaehyun refused to acknowledge.

Alex Turner’s voice, singing “ _I’ll pretend that you were just some lover”_ is serenading through the room at a deafening volume, and Doyoung reached out to turn the speaker off.

“Hey!” Jaehyun scowled. “I never touched your stuff!”

“Jaehyun, I think it’s time that you need some wake up call or something,” Doyoung sighed, sitting down on Jaehyun’s chair. “Whatever it is you’re going through right now, it’s none of my business, but Jaehyun, surely you understand that your action, as a result from having broken up with your boyfriend – an information that I collect from our neighbours – has caused many inconveniences for a lot of us in this building. Especially for me, your roommate. This speaker –” Doyoung picked the item up – “is yours. I have no right to tell you how you should and shouldn’t use it, but since you’re playing this at a dorm that I share with you, I have a say in this too, because this is also my dorm. So I say this with nothing but respect deep down, Jaehyun, _please_ stop playing musics aloud and go to sleep at a reasonable hour.”

“They never told me anything about the music,” is all Jaehyun managed to say.

“It’s not like the news of you being heartbroken is something you’re trying really hard to conceal,” Doyoung said, almost chuckling. “You’re rather obvious about it, and they’re just being respectful and kind of putting up with it. Apparently, you and your boyfriend were... some sort of a couple goals, dare I say.”

Jaehyun groaned. He’s made a fool out of himself to the people on this floor without having to actually get out and act like a fool. “Doyoung, I don’t think saying that me and my ex was a couple goals is the right thing to say, I mean, I’m still trying to get over the guy here.”

Doyoung raised his hands. “Alright, alright, I’ll back off,” He still hasn’t gotten up from Jaehyun’s seat. Jaehyun wondered why. He’s succeed in making Jaehyun turning his sad song off. “Oh, by the way,” Doyoung’s tone is hesitant, as if he’s considering if he should say this or not.

“By the way what?”

“Nothing,” Doyoung said, shaking his head a bit too strong he’s probably caused himself to have a headache. “I’m gonna go to take a shower.”

“No, Doyoung, I’m serious, what is it?”

Doyoung sighed. “If I tell you this, do I have your word that you won’t cry in front of me?”

“Doyoung, just tell me and get it over with.”

“You know Jungwoo, right?”

Jaehyun clicked his tongue impatiently. “Yes, I know Jungwoo, he lives next door for God’s sake –”

“Well, he said that your ex boyfriend was looking for you.”

“Taeyong?” The news itself was enough to have Jaehyun suddenly standing up, causing a head rush that he paid no attention to. “Taeyong _came_? But – wait, he’s in Japan –”

Doyoung shrugged. “I don’t know. That’s what Jungwoo had said. Jungwoo told him you weren’t home yet, but I think he just said that out of respect for you. Like I said, everyone on this floor knows just how miserable you currently are.”

Okay, first of all, Jaehyun do not need any unwanted sympathy or help from other people. They aren’t the one who’s currently struggling with the breakup. Second of all, Jungwoo may be a sweetheart who cared deeply for Jaehyun’s feelings, but Jaehyun is not a baby. He does not need people to care for his feelings. Third of all, Taeyong came, he needs to see him –

Jaehyun grabbed his coat from Doyoung’s hand. “I need to go, I need to see Taeyong –”

He needs to see Taeyong. He needs to see him, and tell him that he loves him, and beg for a second chance. He hoped Taeyong hasn’t changed his phone number –

“Jaehyun, isn’t this the same guy who lied and cheated on you?” Doyoung asked, his voice is the only force that stopped Jaehyun from slipping his feet into his shoes.

Jaehyun paused. “Well, it’s... I don’t think it’s any of your business, Doyoung.”

“You’re right. It’s not. I’m just curious,” Doyoung shrugged, and he sinked back into his seat. “So, it is?”

“Doyoung, I don’t have time for this, I need to see Taeyong, I _have_ to see him –”

“And then what are you gonna do, Jaehyun? Are you going to stand outside his door, begging for another chance when it’s clear that the fault isn’t in yours? Have you forgotten that he was the one who broke your heart?” Doyoung sighed. “You’re right, it isn’t my business. But Jaehyun, you need a wake up call, and I’m here with one. Forget him, Jaehyun. He broke your heart once, what’s to stop him from doing it the second time?”

Jaehyun leaned against the wall – more like he _slumped_ against the wall, really – and sighed. Doyoung’s right, but this... this isn’t about Taeyong’s infidelity. He made a mistake, and if Jesus could forgive everyone who has sinned before, then surely Jaehyun could too, even if he’s no God and he’s agnostic. “I love him, Doyoung,” is all Jaehyun managed to say.

“You’re not gonna throw me across the wall if I say that he’s not worth your love, aren’t you?” Doyoung asked.

Jaehyun laughed, despite everything. Well, Doyoung _is_ funny.

***

“What do you want for your birthday?”

The questions took Jaehyun by surprise, and he looks up from his Accounting assignment to look at Doyoung, who’s currently in bed, typing away on his laptop. He never looked away.

“I’m sorry?”

“Do you have something that you want for your birthday?” Doyoung asks, this time he’s looking at Jaehyun. “Your birthday is in four days, you know.”

Truthfully, receiving presents from Doyoung felt more like a burden to him. Doyoung never failed in gifting him extravagant presents – and it wasn’t even because Doyoung wanted to show off to him, it was simply because he knows Jaehyun want it even though Jaehyun would never said it out loud. Doyoung is always too attentive for his own good.

“I don’t want anything,” he replies. It’s the truth.

Doyoung rolls his eyes. “I mean, there has to be something –”

“There is no something,” Jaehyun says. He throws a reassuring smile at Doyoung. “Really, Doyoung. You don’t have to always go out of your own way to give me presents. I’m still happy with the vinyl you gave me.”

“That was your Christmas present, though.”

“I don’t mind thinking of it as my birthday present too,” Jaehyun says. “Really. I don’t have anything that I want. I’m happy with everything.”

“That’s deep,” Doyoung says. “Since when have you gotten really deep?”

“Since rooming with a literature major, apparently.”

Doyoung’s laugh fills the room, and even though the lights have been dimmed, Jaehyun feels like it’s gotten so much brighter here.

***

Doyoung already left for class when Jaehyun wakes up.

He doesn’t have class that day, not until twelve, and he wakes up with a post it note on his forehead.

_Happy birthday! Was really hoping I could said it to you in person but you slept like a corpse._

_-D._

Jaehyun smiles, folding the post it note and put it in the drawer.

His phone has blown up from the all the happy birthday wishes he’s gotten from his friends and family. Ten’s message stay at the bottom, not because he _is_ a bottom, but his message is from midnight, exactly at twelve. He’s possibly the first one who wishes him a happy birthday. Jaehyun is already asleep by that time, having been sleep deprived for two days because of that damn Accounting assignment.

 **Ten:** Happy  birthday, loser. You and I are gonna go out today and you are not allowed to say no. We’ll go out and have some fun and we’ll wallow in the fact that you were born on Valentine’s Day yet you have no one to celebrate it with.

 **Me:** Gee, Ten. You sure know how to have fun.

***

Mardy Bum playing from inside his dorm is the first thing Jaehyun hears when he’s arrived.

It’s soft, barely noticeable had it not been for Jaehyun putting his ear against the wall. It’s almost midnight, surely Doyoung can’t still be awake by now, tomorrow is Sunday anyway, and Doyoung loves to sleep in. So why is that song –

_Oh._

“Happy birthday,” Doyoung says, his voice soft and his smile even softer.

He looks tired, his lids half-opens as he tries to keep his smile at Jaehyun, and Jaehyun is sure the moment his eyes closes completely, he’s gonna be knocked out for the next twelve hours.  Possibly more.

But that doesn’t matter. What matters is the fact that Doyoung is sitting on his bed, the closest one to their door, and he has a _cake._

It’s a red velvet cake, Jaehyun’s favourite, with little candles surrounding on top of it. He’s yet turning them on, possibly waiting for him to show up.

Mardy Bum keeps humming from Doyoung’s phone.

“Doyoung,” Jaehyun breathes, leaning against the door, his body is heavy with guilt.

He’d told Doyoung that he’s gonna be out all day with Ten. That Doyoung shouldn’t wait for him. That it’s fine, that they can celebrate tomorrow, especially since tomorrow’s Sunday.

But Doyoung waits. With eyes that can barely opens, sitting on his bed, with his favourite cake, one of his favourite song from his favourite band playing softly, serving as the background noise.

“Happy birthday,” Doyoung says again. He pick up the lighter, lighting the candles carefully before putting it away. He picks up the cake, the same amount of carefulness – if not more – is exerted from the way he’s picking up the cake, walking towards Jaehyun, the soft smile never leaving his face. “I told you I want to celebrate with you today.”

Jaehyun can’t even bring himself to pick his head up, let alone blowing the candles away. Guilt hangs off at the back of his neck, not keen on leaving anytime soon.

“I’m sorry – are you tired?” Doyoung asks, his head tilted to meet Jaehyun’s face.

“You shouldn’t have done this,” Jaehyun says, more like to himself than to Doyoung.

“Of course I should,” Doyoung insists. “It’s your birthday. Now blow the candle, and I’ll put the cake in the fridge and we’ll go to sleep.”

Jaehyun blows the candles, not a single happiness is dripping off him. He watches as Doyoung put the cake back in the box, and later putting it on the fridge. He yawns after that, grinning at Jaehyun. “Let’s go to sleep.”

He has to say it. He has to say it and get it over with.

“Doyoung, I like you,” Jaehyun says, more like a whisper. He can practically hear Ten’s nasal voice in his head, repeatedly telling him not to say it, that this is a bad decision. But then again, Jaehyun’s entire life is based off on making bad decisions. “No – I don’t just like you. I love you. I love the way you smile. I love the way you talk. I love how you care so much about stuff.  I love how you always manage to put up with me, because sometimes I know I can be really annoying and handful. I love how you read to me whenever I’m having trouble sleeping. And I love how you always manage to find a way to cheer me up whenever I’m having a dreadful day. Doyoung, you don’t know just how much your presence means to me. A single text from you, even if it was just you scolding me for not folding my clothes properly, is enough to make my day. I fucking love it when you talk to me about your day, Doyoung, and please know that it never bores me out to hear about it, because I  want to know. Even if nothing happened that day and you just feel like talking, please do. Please talk to me. Because I wanna know about it too. And when you talk about your favourite writer? Don’t ever think I’m not interested in hearing that, Doyoung, because I do, because I want to know more about you. I wanna know the simplest things about you, like how you like your eggs cooked, how do you like your clothes to be folded, your favourite writer of all time, your favourite movie director. I want to know what are your plans for the future. Do you want to live in a house at a suburban neighbourhood, or a penthouse at downtown?  What kinds of pets do you wanna have in the future? I wanna know about it, Doyoung, because I love you and I want to take my time discovering those things, from time to time. If you let me.”

Doyoung has been completely motionless ever since Jaehyun said his _I love you._ He just stands there, his facial expression is hard to read, like reading a damaged book. His hand grips the edge of Jaehyun’s bed tightly like an anchor, and when he knows Jaehyun won’t say anything anymore, he just sighs, muttering out an almost inaudible: “Oh, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun waits. The silence between them is deafening, and Jaehyun wish he could say something but his tongue is tied.

“A publishing company,” Doyoung says after a while. “I want to work as an editor there. Preferably one where they house a lot of famous writers – but also one where I know that Stephenie Meyer won’t publish her books there. And I want to have an apartment – maybe not quite a penthouse, but just a nice, really big apartment at downtown is fine. And I don’t have any specific kinds of pets that I wanna get, but a small dog would be nice, I think.”

“Okay,” Jaehyun replies, not knowing where this is going.  

“There – you know all about it. About my plans for the future. About how I like to live my life later, and what kind of pet I wanna get in future. You don’t have to wait around to know the answer because Jaehyun,” Doyoung takes a deep breath, and Jaehyun is scared at what Doyoung is about to say. “I’m telling you all of this, willingly, without you having to wait, because I see no future where you’ll discover these things from time to time.”

Jaehyun had put a lot of thought about what will happen someday if he did end up confessing to Doyoung. He imagines that most of the answer will be positive; Doyoung smiling and telling him that he loves him too, or Doyoung just straight up kissing him right after he said “I love you”, effectively stopping him from stuttering and making a mess that shouldn’t even be considered a confession in the first place. There are a lot of responses that Jaehyun had thought he would get from Doyoung, ranging from the positive to the negative.

But none of them are like this.

“Jaehyun, I have no doubt that you will make an excellent boyfriend, but I’m sorry. I just can never see you like that. At least not for me.”

Rejections hurt. Jaehyun learned this since he was a kid. Rejections of any kind will always hurt. Whether it’d be a friend in the kindergarten who refuses to share their toys with him, to his mother blatantly saying no when he asked if he could have a sleepover at his friend’s house, and to a guy at the bar finally saying _“you’re not my type”_  when Jaehyun asked for his phone number after a long time of flirting.

None of them hurts like this, though. This pain that he feels right now, it reminded him of the time where he torned his knee in high school, an injury that forces him to retire his position as the captain of basketball team and playing basketball altogether. But instead of his knee that has been torned, it’s his _heart_.

“Jaehyun?” Doyoung’s voice snapped him back into reality. “Are you okay?”

That’s... not really the question Doyoung want to ask him right now. “Yes,” Jaehyun says anyway. “Yes, I’m okay. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Doyoung. I didn’t mean to make things awkward between us.”

“No, Jaehyun, please don’t apologize,” Doyoung says, and he reaches out to touch Jaehyun’s arm but Jaehyun flinch, like Doyoung’s hand is made of fire.

He didn’t mean to do that. That wasn’t intentional. That just... happened. But Jaehyun stills, not willing to give Doyoung any some sort of explanation, ignoring the look of hurt on Doyoung’s face. “I’m gonna go change.” He says, heading down to the bathroom, shutting the door.

He stays in the bathroom for quite some time, and when he peeks outside to see Doyoung sleeping, he grabs his keys and left the room quietly.

***

“There are so many stuff I want to say to you, but I’m holding back out of respect because you just got your heart broken,” Ten says, frowning at Jaehyun.

“Good,” Jaehyun says, voice muffled from the pillow on his face. “Don’t ever say those things.”

“Have you spoken to Doyoung at all?” Ten lifts the pillow from his face. His expression is contorted in sympathy, and Jaehyun wishes he had put on his judgmental expression instead. Ten being a bitch is better than Ten actually _worrying_ and sympathizing with Jaehyun’s situation.

He hasn’t. Doyoung had blown up his phone with texts, asking Jaehyun where is he,  and why did he left. Another message came, and Doyoung asked if they could talk about what happened last night. Doyoung had called, but Jaehyun stared blankly at the screen, looking at the candid picture of Doyoung from Luna’s wedding. He turns off his phone afterwards.

“No,” Jaehyun replies, almost inaudible.

“Talk to him,” Ten says. “He called me too, you know. I didn’t tell him where you were because I know you wouldn’t have liked that if I told him. But I think he knows that you’re at my dorm.”

“Let him be,” Jaehyun says. His head is pounding from the result of lack of sleep.

“Jaehyun –”

“Ten, I swear, I’m currently suffering from a headache because of a lack of sleep, and I’m also having the worst heartache of my life, all I want is a fucking sleep, just stop talking about Doyoung and leave me the fuck alone. I mean it. Leave me be, Ten. I’ll be fine. You know I always do.”

Ten sighs, getting up from his bed. “Fine,” he says, putting his hands up in a surrender. He grabs his jacket and his keys. “I’m heading out with some friends,” he says again. Jaehyun gives him a slight nod from where he’s burying his face in the pillow. “You know where the instant noodles are. Sleep tight, okay?” He pats Jaehyun’s butt, and then he’s gone before Jaehyun could say something about it.

It was quiet when Ten is here, but it’s even quieter now that he left. Suddenly he no longer feels drowsy, although the headache is still there. He rolls over, facing the ceiling. There’s a noticeable crack on it, and Jaehyun makes a mental note to notice Ten about it. Ten probably already knows, though.

He wonders what Doyoung is currently up to. If he’s given up on texting Jaehyun about his whereabouts, or if he already knows where he is from Ten and decides it’s better to just leave him be. Or if he didn’t even care at all, and just goes on with his life like nothing hadn’t happened.

His phone is there, on Ten’s nightstand. It’s been turned off for the past few hours, very unusual thing for Jaehyun to do because he gets bored easily and always checks his Instagram, in case Doyoung might sent him some more memes from his favourite spam page.

He keeps staring, as if the phone might be able to levitate itself towards him if he stared just a little bit longer. Maybe it’s best if he just leave it be, and besides, Doyoung knows Jaehyun’s not gonna go anywhere outside of the university anyway, and he knows Ten is Jaehyun’s only friend, there’s no place for him to stay other than Ten’s –

He grabs his phone with an unnecessary force into it, turning it on, staring at the screen so hard he could probably bore a hole in it. _Why the fuck is his phone taking so long to turn on_ –

30 unread messages, all from Doyoung is the first thing that pops in on Jaehyun’s screen, followed by 10 missed calls, also from Doyoung. They were all from two hours ago, so it’s likely Doyoung has given up in reaching out to him.

Doyoung’s number is there, and Jaehyun could call if he wants to, let Doyoung know that he’s okay, that he just needs some time alone to think. That he’s not coming back tonight, that he’s staying at Ten’s for the night. He can, of course, but –

Doyoung doesn’t seem to have given up after all, evidence how Doyoung’s number popped on the screen before Jaehyun could even finish thinking.

“Hello?” Jaehyun says, carefully.

“Jaehyun!” Doyoung sounds relieved, like a parent finally found their child after several hours of missing. “Oh, oh, thank God you picked up. My goodness, Jaehyun, you had me worried sick –”

“Doyoung, I’m fine,” Jaehyun cuts off. “It’s not like I could go anywhere outside of the university.”

There’s a long pause that almost makes Jaehyun want to check if Doyoung already ends the call. “Right,” Doyoung says. Another silence. “Jaehyun, could we talk?”

It’s now Jaehyun’s turn to initiate the silence. Could they talk? Of course they could. Jaehyun will always wants to talk to him. Just not now, where the wound is still fresh and every second spent talking to Doyoung is like slowly ripping off the bandage that couldn’t even heal the wound properly. “Not now,” Jaehyun says. “I’m sorry, Doyoung. I know this sounds so selfish and immature, but I... I really do need time. I hope you understand.”

“Of course,” Doyoung says. “Take your time, Jaehyun. It’s okay.”

Silence.

“But we could talk, though, right?” Doyoung asks. “When you’re ready?”

“We could,” Jaehyun says, forcing out a smile even though Doyoung can’t see it. “Just not for now.”

The conversations sounded so awkward. Their first meeting isn’t even this level of awkward. “Are you coming home tonight?”

 _Home_. The choice of word is poor, not to mention factually incorrect, but Jaehyun can’t deny that yes, the dorm is his _home_. “No.” Jaehyun replies.

Again, silence. Jaehyun doesn’t wait around for long before he hit the end button. He’s waited too long anyway.

***

“Are you gonna stay in bed all day long?” Ten asks, frowning at Jaehyun. He’s holding a Starbucks coffee on his left hand, meanwhile the other rests on his hip. He reminds him of his mother when she criticize his choice of spending the rest of his summer (he chose sleeping). Even his nails are painted.

“Since when did you paint your nails?” Jaehyun asks, not wanting to answer the question verbally when the physical proof is already enough. “I never pegged you to be the type of gays who paint their nails.”

Ten swaps his Starbucks drink to his other hand to look down on his hand. He’s smiling, eyes glistening as he studies his nails. The colour of the nail polish is nude, blending in with the natural colour of his nails. It’s barely noticeable, but Jaehyun’s always had eyes for details.

“I didn’t know either,” Ten says. “But Kun has a sister who’s around the town for a while and I offered to show her around. We ended up doing our nails together. It was pretty fun!”

It’s nice to know that Ten’s progress with his crush is doing well, as opposed to Jaehyun’s who is currently in bed all day, thinking whether he should go back to his room or not, since he’s gonna be facing Doyoung when he’s back later.

“Glad to hear that,” Jaehyun says, yawning. Going back can wait. He’s genuinely sleepy right now. “I’m gonna go back to sleep.”

“Have you talked to him?”

“I have,” Jaehyun says, turning his back against Ten. “Now shush. I’m sleeping.”

“Jaehyun,” Ten chides. “I’m serious. Have you?”

“I have, God, Ten, why do you doubt me so much?”

“Because you can’t just run away the second you got rejected!” Ten actually looks frustrated, something that is rare to see of him. “Jaehyun, you know I love you and I cherish you as my closest friend, but you can’t just keep living in my dorm and keep on avoiding Doyoung like he’s some sort of disease or something. I know you already told him that you need some time apart to think clearly, but I feel like you spent less time thinking and more time wallowing in the fact that you’ll never gonna have Doyoung. Trust me, Jaehyun, I know how it feels like to be rejected, but don’t you think it’s time for you to snap out of it and just... talk it out?”

“There’s nothing to we can do to ‘talk it out’, Ten,” Jaehyun replies. “He doesn’t want me like that. Simple as that.”

“But clearly, it isn’t that simple,” Ten is persistent, as if he’s the one going through all of this and not Jaehyun. “Have you heard his side of the story?”

“What is there left to heard? Ten, I told him that I wanted to know about his plans for the future, and that I want to know about it beside him, discovering them from time to time. Ten,  I never said corny-ass shit like that in my entire life. You know it’s not in my nature to say that, I’ve never even said those words to Taeyong.  And you know what’s his answer?” Jaehyun exhales. “He told me about his dreams. Where he want to live and what kind of pet he wants to get in the future. He said that I didn’t have to bother taking my time and discovering them one by one, because he’s here with the answer immediately. Because he doesn’t want me to take my time finding the answer. Because he doesn’t want me in his life like that.”

Jaehyun doesn’t expect anything less than Ten being speechless at what he said. “Did... Doyoung really said that?”

“I’d record them for you if I wasn’t as dumbfounded,” Jaehyun says.

Ten shakes his head. “But still! He asked you whether you guys can talk or not. I don’t know what it is that he has left to say, but there has to be _something_ , Jaehyun. So just... consider it. And go home. You’ve been wearing my clothes for two days straight, and I’m sending you the dry cleaning bill.”

***

He doesn’t have to go. A part of him wants to enter the key to the door, and a part of him wants to turn around and left the building immediately to go to Ten’s building, running as fast as he can like he’s in Olympics marathon.

He settles on the latter, already turning around to walk away when the door suddenly pulls open, revealing Doyoung in a hoodie that Jaehyun is pretty sure is his, holding a trash bag.

“Oh,” is all Doyoung says. Yeah. _Oh._

“Yeah,” Jaehyun responds even though Doyoung doesn’t say anything. He points to the hoodie Doyoung is wearing. “Is that uh... is that?” He suddenly forgets the word for a goddamn hoodie.

“Your hoodie?” Doyoung says, looking down. “Oh, well. I guess so. I found it on my drawer. It must have been mixed up when I picked up the laundry. I’m sorry.”

“What? No, no, that’s fine. Doyoung, really.  You don’t have to apologize,” Jaehyun can’t remember since when have they become so awkward towards each other. “Um, I was actually wanted to tell you that I’m – um – ready to talk. If you do too?”

“Oh!” Doyoung nods in understanding. “Of course. Just um, let me throw this out quick and we can talk. You... you should wait inside.”

So Jaehyun does. He sits on his bed, legs crossed as he waits for Doyoung to take out the trash. He’s cleaned, Jaehyun notices that. The bed had been messy when Jaehyun left, and it’s now clean, Doyoung even changed the _sheets_. Guilt hangs heavy on Jaehyun’s heart like a hook, knowing that even now, Doyoung still care for him enough to bother changing his bedsheets for him.

Doyoung enters the room, shutting the door quietly behind and locks it. He sits on Jaehyun’s chair. “So,” Doyoung says, clearing his throat. “About what happened...”

“I thought you’ve given me a clear answer for that,” Jaehyun says. He doesn’t mean anything spiteful by his words, and he genuinely wants to make it clear that he and Doyoung had nothing to talk about that day.

“Right,” Doyoung nods. “I do.”

“Doyoung, I understand,” Jaehyun says, and he does, despite everything, he does. He’s always known that Doyoung isn’t a particularly dating type of guy, he hasn’t even seen Doyoung with anyone since the two years he’s moved in. Doyoung isn’t the type of guy who likes to bring his date to his dorm either, often staying at their place instead, and even then, that type of occurence doesn’t happen daily. He’s always known Doyoung to be the type who just likes to have one night stand.

But so does Jaehyun. Jaehyun fucked around a lot too, more often than Doyoung, even. The party Ten throws at his dorm usually ends up with Jaehyun abandoning it halfway, meeting some guy that always met his interest and ended up spending the night at their dorm (since Doyoung never brought his date back to their dorm, and Jaehyun thought it’d be respectful if he did too). But even then, Jaehyun would be willing to date. He’s open to the idea of a relationship, even if it wasn’t a serious one, more likely to end after six months anniversary. Especially if it comes down to Doyoung. He’d be more than willing.

“I know you do,” Doyoung says. “You always do. God, sometimes I feel like you’re a part of me, you know? I don’t even have to say things for you to just know. You guessed things, saying it’s off the top of your head, and every one of them is always right.”

Jaehyun grimaces. “Doyoung, I don’t think saying that _‘you’re a part of me’_ to someone after you rejected them is a good thing to say.”

Doyoung clears his throat again, sitting more straight. “Right. What I’m saying, is that Jaehyun, despite everything, I am sorry. I don’t know what it is that you’re seeing from me that makes you... feel like that, but I’m sorry I couldn’t reciprocate them. I mean, I do love you, just... not like that. But Jaehyun, do know this: I care for you, and I will always want what’s best for you. It’s all I ever want.”

The thing is, when Doyoung say things like that, it makes it difficult for Jaehyun to hate him. To disregard Doyoung, to just think that Doyoung is on the same level as Taeyong, someone who, in Doyoung’s own words “is not worth Jaehyun’s endless love and affection”.  To just think that Doyoung is some guy at a bar who rejected Jaehyun’s advances. It’s hard, because Doyoung is different, because this is _Doyoung_.  Doyoung is his best friend, someone whom he cares for deeply, and someone who _also_ cares for him deeply. Jaehyun is willing to help Doyoung drag a dead body across the hall, and no doubt Doyoung would do the same for him too.

This is his friend, despite everything.

“It’s all I ever want too, Doyoung,” Jaehyun says, softly. “For you to be happy.”

Doyoung smiles, and Jaehyun’s heart ache, as if someone had ripped his heart out of his chest without warning. He can’t do this. He really, really can’t do this.

“But Doyoung,” Jaehyun starts, and Doyoung’s expression is changing, slowly. “I need some time apart. But not just a few days apart, I’m thinking that maybe... I should just move out.”

It hurts to see Doyoung hurting, but Jaehyun knows that if he’s gonna move on from Doyoung, he needs to stop putting Doyoung first and actually putting himself first for _once_.

“Move out?” Doyoung’s words comes out choked.

“I think it’s best if we don’t see each other as often as we do now,” Jaehyun says. He looks down on his clasped hands, trying to focus on anything that isn’t Doyoung’s hurt expressions. Anything has to be better than looking at him. It’s like seeing a reflection of his own feelings. “I need time. I need time to get over you, and it certainly won’t happen if I spend so much time around you. How do you think I fell in love with you in the first place? You’ve been here in my life for two years yet it felt like a lifetime. I feel like I know you better than myself.”

Doyoung is right when he said that Jaehyun has become somewhat a part of him, because Jaehyun do feel like Doyoung has becoming a part of him too. A half of himself. The better version of it. They spent so much time around each other, twenty-four seven, laughing at the same jokes, crying at the same movies, sharing the same snacks, borrowing each other’s socks, giving each other advices. They watch cute cat videos together, even cooing in sync.

Jaehyun could have sworn it’s tears that Doyoung is wiping with the sleeve of his hoodie. His eyes are glassy, and Jaehyun is grateful he’s gotten good at hiding his own feelings, because if he’s not, he’s probably already crying right now. “I said it before that all I want is for you to be happy,” Doyoung says. “And I want you to know that I really do.”

Doyoung help him pack his stuff on his duffel bag that night. Jaehyun texted Ten that he’s coming over, and Doyoung hugs him at the door. The hug is so tight that Jaehyun could barely breathe, and Jaehyun ignores the damp feeling on his shirt where Doyoung had buried his face into it.

“Don’t be a stranger,” Doyoung says to him before closing the door.

Jaehyun watches the door closed before finally leaving, not sparing a single glance back.

 _This is for the best_ , he keep on telling himself as he walk down the stairs.

But if it is for the best, how come he’s not happy? How come he’s not relieved, how come all he could think about is to walk back, telling Doyoung that he can’t leave him, that he wants to stay living here, not giving a fuck at the fact that he’s basically tormenting himself because of the feelings that he has towards him?

If it really is for the best, then how come every step Jaehyun takes felt like it’s a step to the biggest mistake he could ever made in his life?

***

Ten’s bed only fits for one person, and there’s no way in hell Ten is generous enough to give it up for Jaehyun, and it’s not like Jaehyun will ask anyway. He’s grateful enough that Ten doesn’t ask a lot of questions about his conversation with Doyoung which prompts him to semi-move out.

“All I have is this yoga mattress,” Ten says, baring the material on the ground. “I have extra blankets, though. It’s in the closet. It’s really thick, so you can either use it as your mattress or just cover yourself for it. Oh! Kun does have an extra mattress, I’ll ask if I could borrow it –”

“There’s no need for that, Ten,” Jaehyun says. “It’s fine, really. And you’re right, this blanket is thick. It’ll be enough for me.”

Ten frowns. “Still,” he says. “You’ll get sick if you keep on staying on the floor without anything to cover you. Let me just ask, Jae, I’m sure Kun won’t mind. Especially not for me.”

Ten disappears from the room, shutting the door quietly behind him. Jaehyun presumes Ten is making a call to Kun. There’s no way he’ll walk to Kun’s dorm.

Jaehyun spreads the blanket to the floor, smoothing out any wrinkled part before he drop his pillow onto the ground. He lays there, a hand on his forehead, letting out a long sigh.

It’s been a long day. It’s been a really, really long day and he’s tired. He’s spent the day drowning himself in his assignments and class, anything that will take his mind off things. He doesn’t let himself rest for just a second, because if he does, even for just a second, his mind will take him to the conversation he had with Doyoung the previous night and it’s the last thing that he wants to remember.

It’s tears that rolls down on Jaehyun’s cheek, not sweat. Ten’s room is cold, the temperature of the air conditioner is on the lowest. Doyoung wouldn’t like his room to be this cold, unless it’s in summer. Despite everything, the memory of what Doyoung likes and doesn’t like still put a smile on Jaehyun’s face, even as his eyes continously produces tears, and Jaehyun is quietly sobbing, covering his face with his hands as his shoulders shake lightly.

The last memory of him crying had been after he broke up with Taeyong, when the memory of Taeyong’s infidelity was as fresh as a newly picked apples. Doyoung catches him on sight, and even though they weren’t as close as they are now, Doyoung sat on the edge of his bed. A hand on Jaehyun’s back, caressing softly. Jaehyun remembered how he was so humiliated, and he cursed himself for not noticing Doyoung’s present in the room.

“Go on,” Doyoung had said, his hand never stopped caressing. “Don’t mind me. Just keep on crying.”

So Jaehyun did.

 

***

Eventually, Jaehyun adjusts to the new changes in his life.

Ten’s dorm is quite far from much of his classes, but it does train him to wake up early without the help of someone (since Ten isn’t an early riser himself). He’s used to walking for at least ten minutes just to reach the Economics building, while as when he was living in his old dorm it’s just like crossing the street.

Even so, it’s nice. Ten’s dorm is quite big for someone who stays alone, the same size as Jaehyun and Doyoung’s dorm, just slightly smaller. Kun agreed on lending Ten an extra matress, so Jaehyun sleep there on the floor. Again, it’s nice. Kun comes over often, helping Ten with his assignments and subjetcs that he lacks knowledge in. Sometimes Kun will look at Ten’s endless stock of cup noodles, and will tsked and look at him disapprovingly, to which Ten just grinned. It’s sort of domestic, and Jaehyun has to look away sometimes. It feels like he’s thirdwheeling, but then again, he supposes he _is_ a thirdwheel.

He doesn’t see Doyoung quite as often he used to, occasionally seeing him on the cafetaria and they excanged a smile when they walk past each other. Awkward as it may be, Jaehyun is grateful that they still maintain a good relationship, even though sometimes Jaehyun can’t quite believe that at some point, Doyoung was someone that has quite a history in his life.

He’s been putting an extra work on his studies too. Ever since he moved out, he’s been quite an ambitious student, always finishing his assignment earlier than most of the students in class. He studies, _actually_ studies for tests, where as usually he just cheats or relay on someone smart to give him the answer.  He eventually realize that heartbreak is a cure for his laziness, and although it’s proven to be the only cure that actually works, that doesn’t mean Jaehyun enjoys the side effect it gives.

Jaehyun’s life isn’t quite a mess, _yet_ , but it may as well be. He’s used to Doyoung being in his life, texting him if he wants to get a takeout, used to seeing Doyoung before he falls asleep, used to talking to Doyoung until morning when they both can’t fall asleep. He’s used to Doyoung reading to him from whatever book he’s currently reading. And he’s used to sending or receiving stupid memes to Doyoung, and Doyoung sending him unamused emojis before he sent one back.

The lack of Doyoung does take a quite toll in his life, he later realize when he’s looking out of Ten’s window at midnight, after finishing his homework. It’s nothing that he can’t live without, and he’s sure that he can do just fine with it, but Jaehyun doesn’t want to just do fine, doesn’t want to just get by. He wants to enjoy every second of his life, actually wants to look forward to everyday like he used to. He wants to enjoy the presence of Doyoung in his life, to see his big, gummy smile and feel his heart drown in the pool of warm chocolate gaze that Doyoung’s eyes reflects everytime he smiles.

***

“I don’t know when or how did you become so dedicated with your study,” Ten says. “You’re just like Kun.”

“I take that as a compliment,” Jaehyun says, not bothering looking up from his textbook. “You like your guys smart, don’t you?”

“You’re not my _‘guy’_ ,” Ten snorts. “But yes, I like smart people. The ones who don’t study all the time, though. Not like you.”

“I have a test in three days, Ten.”

“Still, that never used to bother you,” Ten shrugs, stretching out his legs wide. “You could have a test in two hours and not even once did I see you pick up your textbook.”

Jaehyun chuckles. “Well, that was different,” He replies, lifting his gaze to meet Ten’s.  “I actually want to graduate, you know.”

Ten snorts again. “I bet if Doyoung hadn’t –” Ten stops, as if realizing he just said something he shouldn’t have. Jaehyun doesn’t look at him, though he did stop highlighting his book, the stain of the highlighter is making quite a mess on the paper. “Right. Sorry.”

Jaehyun put down the highlighter. “Don’t worry about it,” Jaehyun says dismissively.

Silence stretch between them like a rubber, and Jaehyun isn’t quite sure if he could take it any longer, but at the same time he has no idea how to start the conversation again. He picks up his pencil, eyes scanning on the problem on the book, hoping to able to solve them even though his mind isn’t quite there anymore. 

Ten clears his throat, and Jaehyun senses he’s going to talk again. “You know, I have a friend,” Ten begins, adjusting his seat. “He’s in my dance class. His name is Sicheng. He’s in the same year as us, and he’s really nice. Cute. And since he’s a dancer, so you know, he’s also flexible. In fact, he used to traditional Chinese dance when he was younger, and you know just how bendy and agile you have to be able to dance...”

“Ten, I don’t think I’m interested in hearing the tale of this Sicheng and his experience as a former traditional Chinese dancer,” Jaehyun butts in. “Whatever it is you have to say, just say it.”

Ten closes his mouth, and he nods before starting again. “Right. Sorry. What I was talking about, is that, Sicheng is nice. And he’s gay. And single. So, if you want, I could set you up with him.”

“I’m not sure if I want to do that,” Jaehyun says. “I’m not interested in blind dates.”

“Well, it’s not really a blind date. I have a picture of him,” Ten pulls out his phone, showing Jaehyun a picture of Ten leaning beside someone, noticeably taller than him, with soft pink hair and even softer smile. His wide smile causes his eyes to curve like a pair of crescent moons, and even then, Jaehyun did admit that this Sicheing person is cute. “He’s a linguistic major. Dance is just sort of extracurricular for him.”

Linguistic is just another extent, similar but not quite, to literature. Linguistic studies the science that lies beneath the language you speak every single day, analyzing the meaning and the context in which it was spoken. Meanwhile, literature studies the work of a certain language itself, analyzing the work, and investigating the approaches to the literary work and the relationship of literature to other branches of arts and sciences.

Similar, but not quite.

 

There’s no harm in trying to date again, Jaehyun supposes. It’s not like it will hurt anybody, and it certainly won’t hurt Doyoung either. Doyoung doesn’t like him like that.

“If he turns out to be a blabbermouth like you and analyzes the way I speak, or just being annoying in general,  please give up your bed for the whole month for me,” Jaehyun says. The agreement that comes in his words lies underneath, but Ten doesn’t need to be a Linguistic major to understands what he meant anyway.

Ten grins. “Deal.”

***

Sicheng’s hair is no longer pink, rather it’s the lightest shade of brown. Compared to the picture Ten had shown him, Sicheng’s smile isn’t as wide as it is when Jaehyun waved his hand to him, motioning their seat.

They agreed to meet at the coffee shop just five minutes away from campus, because Sicheng, in Ten’s words, love the mocha latte here and they also serves a great red velvet cake, which is Jaehyun’s favourite. Jaehyun doesn’t really care whether they really do serve the cake, only ordering an americano.

“Sorry I’m late,” Sicheng’s voice is deep, a contrast to his rather boyish look. “Lecture ended longer than I expected. Would you like me to order you anything?”

“Thanks, but I already ordered mine,” Jaehyun says, nodding to his coffee. “It’s okay, I’ll wait. Ten says you love the mocha latte in here?”

Sicheng’s lips curved slightly, not quite a smile. It doesn’t reach to the corner, but his eyes are warm. “I didn’t even know a single thing about you when Ten set me up, yet he’s out here revealing things about myself to you?”

Jaehyun chuckles. “Don’t worry, it’s not like he told me about your kryptonite or anything. Just that you really like the latte here.”

***

Sicheng is more of a listener than a talker, Jaehyun later realize.

But he’s not pretending to listen, though. He’s no psychologist, but the way Sicheng’s fingers curled on the stem of his glass, and the way he tilts his head sometimes suggest he really does pay attention.

“I’m sorry, I’ve just been talking about myself,” Jaehyun shakes his head.

“To be fair, I did ask you many questions about yourself,” Sicheng replies, his tone isn’t unkind. “I’m much more of a listener than a talker myself, to be honest.”

“Because you’re a Linguistic major?”

“Well, I don’t go around analyzing people’s words everyday if it isn’t for my assignment, if that’s what you meant,” Sicheng smiles, and he takes a sip of his coffee. His eyes never leaves Jaehyun’s, and that can only mean one thing: that he likes Jaehyun.

“Then tell me about yourself,” Jaehyun says. “Anything you feel comfortable sharing.”

“Unless it’s not my credit card number or the password to my secret safe, I think I feel comfortable with sharing anything,” Sicheng leans back to his chair. “You’re gonna have to be a little more specific.”

“You have a secret safe?”

“I don’t have anything precious to store yet, so no,” Sicheng says. “Do you really believe that I do?”

“No,” Jaehyun laughs. “But I’m thinking that if you do, maybe I could pester you into giving me the password so I could take a little peek inside.”

Sicheng hums. “That kind of questions should be asked in the third date, don’t you think?”

Jaehyun hadn’t known Sicheng to be so bold. It makes Jaehyun feel a little bad. Sicheng is a great company, but he doesn’t see him as anything other than that. In fact, he doesn’t think he’ll call Sicheng again after this, and is planning to tell him that after this date ends.

Jaehyun doesn’t realize his expressions has changed when Sicheng’s expression changes too. He looks a little mortified, but also guilty. “I’m not suggesting anything.” For someone so bold, Sicheng blush really easily. “It’s up to you whether or not you want a second, or even a third date. But I feel like you should know that I like you. Enough to want a second date.”

It’s guilt that Jaehyun is feeling inside too, and he thinks he couldn’t have waited till the end to tell Sicheng. “I’m sorry,” Jaehyun rubs his cheek. “I like you, but I’m... I’m afraid the same cannot be said from me to you. I don’t think I want the same thing that you do.”

Out of the corner of his eyes, he sees Sicheng grips his mug a little tighter. “Is it something I’ve said?”

“What? Oh no, it’s not! Please don’t think it is, it’s just...” Jaehyun rubs his eyes. “I just went through a really bad patch with someone I liked. I’m not looking for a relationship or anything. When Ten told me about you, I thought I wouldn’t leave such strong impression, one that makes you want to see me again. I didn’t think I was that interesting.”

“Well, you are,” Sicheng could afford to sound a little more spiteful, but he didn’t. He just tells it like it is, like facts. “I understand.”

“Again, I’m sorry,” Jaehyun says. This date ends later than he would have expected.

They stand outside for a moment, both fiddling with their coats. Sicheng wraps his scarf around himself and looks at Jaehyun one more time, as if trying to memorize Jaehyun’s visual, perhaps to stab him the next time he sees Jaehyun on campus. “Dress warmly,” Sicheng says. “It’s still wintertime.”

Jaehyun smiles. “I don’t get cold,” Jaehyun says. Doyoung used to say he resembles of a bear. _Polar bear_. “A friend of mine says I resemble  a polar bear.”

Sicheng pauses for a minute. “Is this friend someone you liked?”

Jaehyun looks up from buttoning his coat. “I... how did you know?”

Sicheng shrugs. “Just a hunch,” he says. “Good night, Jaehyun.” He pats Jaehyun on the shoulder before walking away.

***

“How did it go?” Ten asks when Jaehyun opens the door.

Jaehyun shrugs, dropping his body onto Ten’s bed. “I’m not gonna call him again, if that’s the answer you’re looking for,” Jaehyun answers.

“What, why? Is Sicheng bothering you?” Ten put down his comic book. “Did he really analyze what you said, word from word?”

“What? No. He was really nice. We had a good time together,” Jaehyun narrows his eyes at Ten. “Did he really do that to people?”

“Well, no,” Ten says. “That’s not important. Why wouldn’t you go out with him again?”

“Because,” Jaehyun shrugs. “I just don’t want to.”

“ _Jaehyun._ ” Ten’s tone reminded him of the one his mother has when she catches Jaehyun staying up late.

“He reminded me of Doyoung,” Jaehyun says, lifting his gaze to meet Ten’s. He hadn’t thought of Doyoung that much when he was at the coffee shop with Sicheng, and truthfully, there aren’t many resemblance between Sicheng and Doyoung. They do have one thing in common: both are great listeners.

Of course, great listeners aren’t some rare traits that only special people, including Doyoung, possess. If it is, then psychiatrists and his high school counseling teacher should reminded Jaehyun of Doyoung too, but it isn’t just about that. It’s the way Sicheng curls his hands around his mug, the way he listens to Jaehyun tentatively, and the way he talks. His voice isn’t as smooth as Doyoung’s, but there’s no doubt the way his tone is gentle, and the way he phrase his words, so formal like he was on a job interview.

And Jaehyun can’t deny that he wishes Doyoung was the one who sat across him, no doubt that he wishes it was Doyoung’s hands that was curled around the mug, that it was his eyes that never leaves Jaehyun’s as he sip his coffee. That it was Doyoung who said that he likes him, enough to have a second date.

“In what way?” Ten asks.

“You wouldn’t understand,” Jaehyun replies. “And I don’t expect you to.”

“Then make me understand,” Ten insists.

Jaehyun stands up from the bed, taking off his coat and hanging it on the door. “I’m gonna go and take a shower,” he says.

***

When the plan of dating someone else doesn’t quite work out, Jaehyun resorts to partying.

Ten has a wide circle of friends, something that naturally comes with his loud and obnoxious nature.  He goes to parties every weekend, and Jaehyun voluntarily lets himself to be dragged to one of them. He gets drunk and fooled around with people, though none of them turns out serious. Most of the time Jaehyun didn’t even bother to learn their names, forgotten in the morning as he walk back to Ten’s dorm wearing the same clothes he had on the previous night.

He misses Doyoung, more than anything. It’s not once or twice did he accidentally moans out Doyoung’s name when he had sex, and it seems that his partner was equally too drunk to realize that he moaned out the wrong name. Doyoung’s absence fills quite a gap in his life, and Jaehyun realizes no amount of partying or one night stands could fill the gap Doyoung has left.

On nights where he’s completely drunk out of his mind, Jaehyun thinsks about sending Doyoung a text, maybe an _I miss you_ or something. Ten won’t approve, but Ten is also too drunk out of his mind to double check on Jaehyun, making sure that Jaehyun won’t do anything stupid after drinking too much. He lies on the grass in front of the dorm building in which the party’s at, considering whether or not he should walk to Doyoung’s dorm. It’s only a five minutes walk.

He closes his eyes, thinking the better of it.

When he opens his eyes, he decided to walk the other way, to Ten’s dorm instead.

***

“Jaehyun?”

The voice is far too familiar for Jaehyun to ignore it as a mere passing sound, and it’s not like there are ten other Jaehyuns in the university. Jaehyun turns around to see Doyoung standing behind him, a small smile adorning his handsome face as he tilts his head.

Jaehyun restrains himself from stepping forward and hugging Doyoung. “Doyoung,” he says, forcing out a smile. “Hi.”

The smile breaks out to be a grin instead. “Hey,” he replies. Doyoung shuffles the stack of book he’s currently holding to his left hand. “Saw you walking outside. I thought I’d say hi. I know that we’re not supposed to... you know.” He shrugs.

“A little hello won’t hurt,” Jaehyun agrees. “How have you been doing, Doyoung?”

Doyoung is handsome, he always does, but there’s a different aura that he radiates now. He looks tired, the bags under his eyes are prominent, and his hair is tousled, as if he just jumped out of the bed. He’s probably hadn’t slept very well, it’s a beginning week to exam season, after all.

“Exams,” Doyoung answers. “My sleeping schedule has been kind of screwed lately. It’s lucky I even managed to get an hour sleep.”

Jaehyun knows that if he still rooms with Doyoung he wouldn’t have let that happened. He would coax Doyoung to sleep, would never let him overwork himself too hard. Would tell himself to get a break, to relax. “Don’t overwork yourself too much,” Jaehyun says, because even after everything that happened, he still cares for him.

“Thanks, Jaehyun,” Doyoung says. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

There’s nothing left for them to talk now. They should’ve walk away, but they just stand there, in the middle the university building, holding each other’s gaze. The building is crowded, yet it feels like it’s only Jaehyun and Doyoung in there. The hustling noises has faded into white noise.

“I actually want to talk to you,” Doyoung says after a while. “I was hoping we could maybe get a cup of coffee and talk?”

Jaehyun’s stomach churns. “Oh,” he says. “Talk about what?”

Doyoung doesn’t seem to want to reveal it anytime soon. “Coffee?”

***

Doyoung’s order has never changed.

Not a surprise, really. Doyoung has always been consistent, even to things as small as coffee orders. He orders a latte and plain croissant. “I haven’t eaten lunch,” he says, when Jaehyun raises his eyebrow when Doyoung told the barista to pack him another croissant on the go.

“I think you can squeeze in five minutes just for something as important as food,” Jaehyun says.

“Of course I can,” Doyoung replies. “Then why do you think I order another croissant to go?”

Jaehyun frowns. “That’s not what I meant.”

Doyoung takes a sip of his coffee. “I – well, it’s not like I don’t have any time,” Doyoung says. “You’re right, I can. But it just feels like I’m wasting time. Everytime I did something indulgent at the back of my mind there’s this voice that always reminds me that the time I use to read my favourite book, I could actually use it to study for a test instead.”

Jaehyun thinks he could make use with that little voice in Doyoung’s mind. He study, yes, but he’s definitely not as intense as Doyoung did. “Tell that voice it can go fuck itself,” Jaehyun replies in hope he could lighten the mood. “You deserve doing something indulgent.”

Doyoung chuckles heartily. “I’ll be sure to keep that in mind as well.”

There’s a silence that stretch between them before Jaehyun talks again. “You said you have something to talk about.”

“I do,” Doyoung says. “I wanted to ask you about your rooming situation. I understand if you still need sometime but it’s just...” Doyoung is hesitant, hands curled around the mug of his coffee. “It’s been almost a month.”

“I see,” Jaehyun responds. “I’m sorry, I haven’t found the right time to move out my stuff just yet. I’ll go down on the weekend if you’re willing to wait a little more.”

Doyoung looks up, a look of disbelief on his face. “I wasn’t talking about that,” Doyoung replies. “Do you really want to move out? Like _actually_ moving out?”

“Well, that’s why you wanted to see me, doesn’t it?”

“What? No! No, I wasn’t – I’m not here to talk about that,” Doyoung retorts. “I was actually gonna ask you if you want to come back. To our – your room. You can’t just expect to keep on living at Ten’s dorm till graduation,  can you?”

Truthfully? Yes. It’s not like Ten will mind anyway. It’s almost a month, but Jaehyun needed more than just a month to adjusts his feelings. He may need more than a month, maybe forever. Well, not until forever, till graduation, maybe. Doyoung came from another city, and there’s no doubt he’ll be back to his hometown after graduation, and Jaehyun will no longer see him anymore.

“I’ve talked to Ten,” Jaehyun says, gently. “He seems okay. And besides, Doyoung...” It’s now Jaehyun’s turn to look down at his own coffee. It has been long gone cold, and Jaehyun hadn’t even taken a sip. “It’s gonna take me more than a month to get over you. I don’t know, it feels like I need forever. I’m sorry, but I think I might need to move out.”

Doyoung’s face contorts into something unreadeable, and he leans back into his chair. “You still have feelings for me.” Doyoung mutters, his voice is almost undetectable. As if he’s saying that to himself.

“Yes,” Jaehyun nods. “Because I still have feelings for you.”

It is perhaps hurt that’s written all over Doyoung’s face, and Jaehyun pretends that he doesn’t see it. He looks away, focusing his gaze to the door instead. There aren’t many people on this coffee shop despite it being Tuesday. Weekdays are always the busiest.

“You can take your time,” Doyoung says after a period of silence. “It doesn’t have to be this weekend. Come over whenever you want, and besides, you still have your exams. Just focus on that first. Call me if you need anything.”

Jaehyun is about to say that’s not necessary, but Doyoung already left, his croissant is half-eaten and his coffee is half-full.

***

A call comes at two in the morning.

It might be a luck, or a curse, that Jaehyun is still awake. He’s grateful that he’s set his phone to vibrate, not wanting to wake Ten up in the dead of the night.

It’s a call from Doyoung.

Doyoung has never been one to call at midnight, and Jaehyun has never witnessed him doing so. Doyoung is the type of person who sleeps and shuts his phone at midnight.

Yet here is Doyoung, at two in the morning, calling him.

“Hello?”

“Jaehyun,” Doyoung slurs, his voice groggy. He’s drunk. “Jaehyuuuun.”

“Doyoung?” Worry runs through his head, and Jaehyun grips the edge of the desk. “Are you drunk?”

Doyoung hums. “Jungwoo knew I was feeling down and he brought me booze,” he replies. “Don’t worry, I’m at the dorm. We drank here.”

That doesn’t ease Jaehyun’s worry. “Get some sleep, Doyoung.”

“I will,” Doyoung slurs again, his voice is muffled, most probably because he stuffs his face in his pillow. “I just need to hear your voice before I go to sleep.”

“Doyoung...” He sighs, running a hand through his hair. “You can’t do this.”

“Can’t do what?”

“This,” Jaehyun says. “Talking to me when you’re drunk. You’re gonna regret it in the morning, and I still don’t think it’s a good idea that we’re talking, much less when you’re drunk.”

A long period of silence, and Jaehyun thinks he might just end the call right there and then.

“Jaehyun, I...” Doyoung’s voice cracks, and Jaehyun briefly wonder if he had said something wrong. “I miss you.”

Doyoung truly, _truly,_ doesn’t have any right to say that.

“Go to sleep, Doyoung,” he replies before ending the call, leaving no room for Doyoung to say anything that could break his heart even further.

***

 **Doyoung:** I’m so sorry.

There’s only one message. Doyoung didn’t say anything or text anything afterwards. Jaehyun stares at the screen for what feels like forever before exiting the application and turning off his phone.

He thinks about the crack in Doyoung’s voice as he says _I miss you,_ think about the fact that he called Jaehyun, Jaehyun out of all people, when he’s drunk. Had Jaehyun doesn’t know who Doyoung truly is, he would have thought that Doyoung liked him. But Doyoung doesn’t like him, not like that.

Doyoung likes him enough as a friend, and that will never change, even when months do, and seasons too.

Being apart from Doyoung hurts. Jaehyun knows this. He’s been living with the feeling for the past couple of months, but now, it feels like he’s carrying them around in his back, and  it feels like he’s drowning from them.

It’s amazing how someone who is not even yours could break your heart so greatly.

***

The music is deafening, the people mingled and dancing here makes Jaehyun feels claustrophobic, and he can’t even locate where Ten had gone.

Jaehyun had been sitting on the couch for almost ten minutes, since he arrived, really. Ten had promised to get him some drink but haven’t been back since then, and Jaehyun assumes that he had met some of his friends and get lost in them. Ten and his short attention span never disappoints.

Jaehyun sighs, and looks back to his phone. It’s nine pm, the party had just starts, and already Jaehyun feels like the house is about to explode from the amount of people here.

There aren’t anyone that could catch his attention. His eyes roams around the living room, looking for a potential target, but no one really catches his eyes. He’d met some of the people he’s hooked up with before, avoiding looking at their sight before they could catch him. Not that they would come up to Jaehyun and pour their beer on him, really, but it’s not like he can smile and say hi to them. Jaehyun doesn’t even know their names.

The party had just started, but there’s no harm in going home now. In fact, it would save Jaehyun some time. He could go home and wallow in his own misery alone, ordering some Chinese and watch Buzzfeed Unsolved until his laptop shut down due to low battery and Jaehyun will fall asleep then.

He got up, not bothering to look for Ten. He could call when he’s at the dorm.

***

 **Me:** Hey, Doyoung. I’m coming over to the dorm to pack my stuff. Is that okay with you?

 **Doyoung:** Yeah, sure.

The walk is only ten minutes, but the there’s a strange feeling that unsettles Jaehyun’s gut. He doesn’t know what that is, can’t exactly put a name into it, he just knows that it’s strange.

He didn’t bring any boxes, figuring that his old one will still be at the dorm, still in a good place, because Doyoung had seen the old boxes lying around underneath his bed and had advised him to keep it in a safe and dry place like his closet, in case he ever needed one. Good thing his advice is useful now, as ironic as that is.

He’s arrived, standing in front of his dorm like a fool. He brings his keys, but it still felt safe to knock before he enters. He hadn’t text if Doyoung is gonna go somewhere when he arrives, and Doyoung didn’t bother to share any information about that either.

He knocks and the door opens in a matter of seconds. “Oh,” Doyoung says. He doesn’t look surprised at all. “Hey, Jaehyun, come in.”

The dorm looks organized and clean as always, because Doyoung have the tendency to pull a Monica Geller and cleans when he has nothing left to do. The boxes that used to be inside Jaehyun’s closet is out in the open.

Doyoung’s eyes follow Jaehyun’s line of sight. “Sorry,” Doyoung says.  “Just thought it’d be easier for you.”

Jaehyun’s eyes snapped up. “There’s nothing to apologize for,” Jaehyun says, smiling at Doyoung, even when it’s hard to do so. “Thank you, Doyoung.”

Doyoung leans on the door, watching as Jaehyun opens his closet and begins sorting out the stuff he wants to put.

“Do you really have to move?”

Jaehyun’s eyes follows up. Doyoung has asked the question twice. “Yeah,” Jaehyun says. “I have to.”

Doyoung sighs, running a hand through his raven hair. “What if I told you that I love you too?” Doyoung asks. “Would you still move?”

Jaehyun’s heart threatens to beat its way out of his rib cage. “Doyoung, what?”

“I love you,” Doyoung says, again. “Jaehyun, I love you. I know I said some stuff back then when you were telling me about your feelings, and I wouldn’t blame you if you decide to say it back to me, but hear me out first. I love you. I do. I don’t want to be apart from you anymore. It sucks. You’re all I keep thinking about, from when I went to sleep to when I wake up in the morning. Last night I thought about that 80s diner we went for my birthday and when we danced to Footloose, and I keep thinking about your smile and your laugh and I cried myself to sleep. I’m not telling this so you pity me, no, but Jaehyun, do know that I love you, like really, so much it hurts. It hurts for me to say it, and I know it will hurt even more when I hear what you have to say about this.”

Jaehyun’s heart feels like it’s about to collapse. He’s lucky that he’s already sitting on the floor, otherwise he’ll probably drop dead to the ground.

Jaehyun’s response is similar to what Doyoung had said that night: “Oh, Doyoung.”

Doyoung gulps, before he says another thing. “Don’t move out,” he says. “Please don’t. Though, I understand that if you do, if maybe you had find some place else to live or if you’ve succeeded in getting over me, but if you haven’t, please don’t.”

Jaehyun looks down at his hands though he’s holding nothing there. He’s mainly doing it to conceal the tears that are about to fall from his eyes, but the movement only makes the tears fall quicker. The floor is stained with the tears, and Jaehyun keeps staring at it.

He’s dreamed of this. Dreamed of the day Doyoung said he loves him too, dreamed of the day Doyoung finally admits his feelings for him. But those are just stupid, silly dreams, and after Doyoung rejected him, he had since abandon those dreams.

He’d certainly never expected it to come true, though.

“Jaehyun, please say something,” Doyoung says, voice laced with fear.

“You should have said it sooner,” Jaehyun replies, looking up to meet Doyoung’s eyes. “I wish you would have said it sooner.”

“I’m sorry,” Doyoung replies.

“I love you too,” Jaehyun says. “I’ve always been in love with you, Doyoung, from two years ago, and even until now, despite what happened.”

He walks to where Doyoung is, his hands cups Doyoung’s cheek and Doyoung’s hands are on his waist too, and he presses Doyoung against the door as he kisses him.

There’s nothing gentle in the way they kiss. The kiss is the moment where they release all those feelings they’ve been holding for the months they’ve been apart. The door makes a rattle sound as Jaehyun presses him harder, their breaths catching.

Doyoung looks him in the eye when they part to catch their breath, and connects their lips again after a second, as if those seconds their lips aren’t touching is a waste of time. Jaehyun’s hands moves to Doyoung’s hair, giving it a gentle tug that causes Doyoung to moan against his lips, and Doyoung’s hands are cold when it slips under his shirt, caressing the bare skin underneath.

They part again, for good, and Jaehyun looks at Doyoung like he’s a piece of art.

Doyoung’s lips are slick and shiny, his raven hair sticking out in places, nose red just like a reindeer, yet he still look as handsome. Jaehyun grins.

Doyoung tilts his head, a soft smile curving on the lips Jaehyun had been kissing a few seconds ago. “What are you smiling at?”

“You’re beautiful,” Jaehyun says, grinning. “So,” _a peck_ , “so,” _another peck_ , “so beautiful.”

He keeps pecking Doyoung’s lips until Doyoung catches his lips, properly kissing him. The kiss is gentle, unlike the last two they shared. It doesn’t last long, but it’s still enough to put Jaehyun to a smile he knows won’t fade till the end of time. “Could ethereal be enough to describe how you look like?” Their foreheads are still connected, and it’s hard to make out Doyoung’s smile when they’re so close, but Jaehyun knows that it’s there.

“Hey,” Jaehyun says, after a prolonged silence, “I love you.”

Doyoung’s smile gets bigger. “I love you too.”

***

Doyoung loves to cuddle on rainy days.

Jaehyun learned this when they started dating. He loves watching as the rains pour out from the sky, clinging onto Jaehyun’s body as they talk over something mindlessly.

Just like now.

“Maybe we should just move to Seattle,” Jaehyun says, but his hand trails around Doyoung’s waist anyway, keeping him close. He pecks Doyoung’s cheek. “It rains a lot there.”

Doyoung chuckles, placing his hand on top of Jaehyun’s. “Then the cuddle will be so often it’d lost its meanings,” Doyoung replies.

“There’s plenty of things to do to replace it if cuddling everytime it rains has lost its meanings,” Jaehyun whispers, lips still attached on Doyoung’s cheek. “Off the top of my head, a three letter word...”

Doyoung laughs, playfully pinching Jaehyun’s arm. “We do that no matter what weather,” he says. He has his back turned against Jaehyun, but it isn’t hard to see the smile forming on his face. The way his cheeks curved up is impossible to miss, and it does make Jaehyun smile a little too.

A thunder suddenly rushes in, and Doyoung’s grip on Jaehyun’s hand tightens. “I hate thunders,” Doyoung murmurs.

Jaehyun’s hand hug him a little tighter. “Me too,” he says. “Do you wanna play some music to drown out the sound?” Outside, the rain pours so heavy, likely for the thunder to strike again.

“Arctic Monkeys?” Doyoung asks, smiling softly at him.

“If that’s what you want.”

“Make sure you play Baby I’m Yours, then.”

So he does. He sets his phone by the nightstand, and his hands are back to wrap around Doyoung’s body. He kisses the top of Doyoung’s head, breathing in the scent of eucalyptus from his shampoo.

“Hey,” Jaehyun whispers, “I love you.”

A smile. “I love you too,” Doyoung replies.

Jaehyun falls asleep to the sound of Doyoung’s soft voice, singing along to the song.

 

 

 

 


End file.
